Day Four.

No lists for four days. This is what I did in my list-free day today: took Norman (the rooster) to the vet because he won't stop blowing snot bubbles and sneezing, cleaned the chicken coop, skipped breakfast, got a one month subscription to Carfax, got a new license with a horrific picture, got halfway through buying a truck, balanced my checkbook, did a half-assed workout, went to rugby practice, watched a Dexter with Molly, medicated the chickens.

Now I can't get the smell of stinky chicken snot out of my nose. Norman is pecking away at Molly's leftovers.

1 and 2.

1. Sarah Stamm left me the raddest birthday present on the front porch. She handmade an Adirondack chair. When we pulled up I could see this wood thing on the porch and really didn't know what it was. Then it turns out it's an amazing chair that would easily cost $300 from a swanky store. And, it's made nice enough it could be in one of those swanky stores. I rushed out of the car like a kid on Christmas morning making a run for the tree. And Molly kept saying, "oh my god" over and over and over. (She's jealous and will probably sit in it more than me). I tried to sit in it but the varnish is still drying so I'm giving it until tomorrow. But, after I get back from Tacoma, you're going to have to pry me out of that thing with a crowbar. Now I can sit on the porch and spy on the neighborhood in class.

2. My birthday present to myself (besides a new truck) is going to be an oath to let my old-ass self stop wasting precious time writing to-do lists. It's sort of a tic for me, something I've done my whole life. When I feel overwhelmed or anxious, I'll just write down everything I feel looming over me and it brings a certain sense of comfort. But, it's also pretty neurotic and something that wastes a hell of a lot of time. Time that could be spent actually doing the things on the list, or time spent sitting my new Adirondack chair. So, I'm going to try to go a full year without doing it. It'll force me to a) be proactive rather than postponing stuff I "want" to do b) improve my memory since I can't use a list as a crutch c) make me do important stuff immediately so I don't forget it and d) save a ton of paper. So, to make this easier, I am allowing one grand finale type list. Something to reference when I start getting ancy about what I should be doing. It's what I envision within the next year, in a perfect world. So, without further ado, I present to you my 25th year...

- Molly's going to kill me if I spend another minute leafing through Truck Trader or cruising Craigslist. Seriously. So, I need (want) to get a new truck soon. I'd like to do it ASAP so I can stop obsessing over it. I'll love whatever I end up with. As long as it sucks gas down like it's $0.50/gal and is red it'll end up being just fine.

- I'd like to get back to my roots and start riding/training/breaking my fat fat horse. She's surly, spoiled, obese, and feels entitled to the good life. Now's the time to turn that all around. I'm going to polish up my saddle, get a new helmet (because I'll need it), buy a pair of spurs and open this can of worms right on up. Tickets going on sale 08.31 (you'll want to see this).

- I want to become a firefighter. But, since I don't want to sound like I'm entitled, I'm going to go with: testing to the best of my abilities with departments that I can fully commit myself to. (such a CHID answer). But seriously, I am going to give this my all. I fully know I am ready for this and want it and would be honored to work for either department who's list I'm currently on. I hope to expand my options but it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I didn't have to.

- Work on the house. Specifically, I'd like to paint it something other than periwinkle, flood-proof it, build the back patio, get an easier route to the backyard, and fix up the attic. But, we'll see...

- I think I'm ready to take the plunge into winter gardening. That's right, I said it. It's not important that my summer garden (the easy one) has tomato bushes falling over each other, bolted broccoli, chicken-pecked acorn squash and stunted freakishly-small bell peppers. I'd like more responsibility and more to do!!

- Also, what would be sweet would be to go surfing. I haven't done that for a couple years. And what better place than...

- On vacation. Enough of this staycation crap. I want to spend the money on an airplane ticket, leave the state of Washington, be away from my computer and cell phone, and actually get a tan (since this summer's not cutting it). I'm thinking... February, the worst month in the Pacific Northwest. Guam??

- Something I've been putting off for a long time is going through my boxes of junk. I don't want to do it but I think Molly will light it all on fire if I don't go through it. Although, today we decided that we might do it like this: I keep her company and drink beer with her while she sorts my junk. She likes spying on my past, I like drinking beer. I hate sorting my junk. Everyone wins. I'm spoiled.

- I will be coaching UW rugby with Deb again. I'm excited to be a bigger part this year. I'm not excited for the freezing air near Montlake.

- And, last but not least, I look forward to bidding Maddie adieu. She is a good horse but I have no room for her in my life.

In less concrete terms, I have a few ideas about things I'd like to do more of: Crossfit, cooking at home, sleeping, being with friends, seeing my family, exercising Suzy, being outside, being on time, loving Molly.

And, that's that. We'll see how long I hold out. Let's see if more stubborn and proud or more crazy.

This might be The One.

I think I might have found my new truck. Look at her. Pretty damn beautiful. It's a bigger truck than I'd been looking for, a 3/4 ton. But, why not? Everything else falls wonderfully into place: 4x4, super low miles, one owner, manual transmission, tow package, power steering, canopy for the dogs, bench seat for a third person. And it's $10,000 less than a newer truck and looks much classier. With the cheaper payments I'd be making on a newer truck I could pay off an auto loan for this truck in one year, as opposed to 4 or 5. It's a diesel engine, which I've never had. That noise reminds me of my Grandpa. Diesel is way more than gasoline right now but I talked to a guy at Barney's who ran his diesel truck on canola oil from Costco. $2/gal. Poured it right into his tank. Although, I think you're supposed to add something to the engine to heat up the oil so it's not too thick when it gets colder out. The only thing I'd worry about with this truck would be starting it up early on a cold morning (aka every day at 5am when I finally make it into recruit school). I feel like my neighbors will want to chop my head off. But that won't be an issue when I live on acres and acres...

I think I'm going to go to BECU before looking at the truck to see if I can get pre-qualified for an auto loan. That way, if I like it, I can buy it after I drive it. I heard these engines last forever (seriously, I think I heard someone got 1,000,000 miles on one).

three things.

1. My attempts to better myself our working only slightly. I've been pretty anxious lately - I think a lot because of the PAT. Also, it looks like Maddie may have found a new home. And, I've been seriously considering a newer truck and know this is a bad time to invest in a newish rig. But, August-October is my favorite time of the season and I want to enjoy it. So, I'm plugging away with my daily attempts to temper some of my inclinations. I don't like sitting still and I'm finally at peace with that, but I do like the idea of focusing on one thing at a time. Yesterday my goal was to do something with/for someone in my family. I ended up taking a vacation day to work on the patio foundation with my dad. I definitely expected too much out of our initial attempt. We (mostly my dad and Alec's new manfriend) moved most of the dirt. The dirt that myself, Molly and Justin had moved there from the driveway in an attempt to level out the area for the patio. Turns out we need to dig down 8" instead. So, we spent a long time planning, like we do, and then moved the dirt. My dad also accompanied me to the Toyota dealership. Nice trucks (I really really like the rig) but too expensive for this market. If I wanted to spend over $20,000 on a new truck I'm sure I could have brokered a good deal on one but that's too scary of a thought the way gas is. If I could get one for less than that it would be a different story. But, I did have a good time with my dad.
   
2. My goal for today was just to clean up Molly's desk. I wanted her to have a space to work and do her homework, without distraction. It's a nice set-up. I bet she'll still prefer the couch but at least there's a desk set up now. And she can spy on two different neighbors with the way the windows are. That might make it more appealing to her. I also want to root my computer to that spot. I don't love laptops because it's too easy to curl up with them. Rather than curling up with, say, a book, or a creature, or girlfriend, or cup of hot chocolate, or a beer. All those things sound better than a computer that burns your lap and makes a sound like a mating bird.
3. I went down to Tacoma today for the PAT practice. All-in-all I'd say I was 60% satisfied with myself. Last night I went to bed with a super scratchy throat and slept like crap. I woke up with a bunch of phlegm in my throat and felt sort of rundown. Perfect time for a summer cold. I was too nervous to eat so I just stopped for coffee and ended up just spilling it all over my car. I wasn't going to drink it anyway though, I tried and failed numerous times. The events were pretty much what I remembered. I didn't blow anything out of the water, which I was secretly hoping for. In a perfect world I would have done the 3-4 most intimidating events like it was butter. I didn't, but I did do everything, most things multiple times. The hose drag is just a bitch. I need to work on my technique. About 50' in I start slowing down. Then 20' from the end I feel like I'm in tar. I heave and wriggle my way to the end but that hurts my confidence and pride. I want to get to where I blast out the gate and start slowing down the last 20' but still quick step the whole way through. The dummy drag was okay but about 2/3 of the way through I felt my legs deaden. I finished and am not sure if I visibly slowed down - I just felt it. And the extinguisher hoist was tough but, again, I'm not sure if I just felt it or actually looked like I was feeling it. Those are the three killers. I know the sledge at the end will be brutal because I did that a few times and the last time I didn't even feel like I was holding anything my hands were so numb. I think I could do it now and pass in the timeframe - especially if I didn't feel as low as I did today. I watched a gal that didn't look big go through the course. She did awesome and was definitely inspirational, even able to finish with a smile. So, she made me feel good about it. I'll run through the whole course first thing on the 23rd. Until then though, I'm training much more like the test, rather than just lifting and running stairs. I want to set up two circuits, one like the 1st half of the course, the 2nd like the latter part. And I just want to do them over and over until I can do this stuff in my sleep. I know I can do fireground work. I've done it. It's just performance anxiety and coming off shoulder surgery that's putting a damper on the whole thing. And, honestly, my shoulder feels awesome. It's the other elbow that was overworked during recovery that's been tough to train with. So, there you have it.
   

goal 7.

So, today, all I wanted to do was write in this blog. I think my intention was to really write, maybe in a way that I haven't done since I was in school. But, you know, I just don't want to. I need to save up for Twin's blowjob prompt. What I do want to say is this... I realized that every time I hang out with my friends I think to myself how lucky I am to have such good people in my life. I think that I should be more aware of how unusually great they are. I don't always talk a lot (sometimes I do, don't get me wrong, I can be my own soapbox) but I like to watch and listen. They're good, they're funny, they're smart, they come from all sorts of places and I love to hear pretty much everything that comes out of their hilarious/lewd/cynical/selfless/shameless mouths. You don't think about every breath you take and I wish I could be more aware of how good the people in my life are. I don't feel I've earned it but I'm not going to argue.

monday and tuesday and wednesday.

I managed to drag myself out of bed by the scruff of the neck early Monday morning. I stayed late at work on Sunday to place the orders I usually place Monday morning so I could swap my day off from Tuesday to Monday. My uncle Frank went in for surgery for kidney cancer at 11am (East coast time) on Monday. I was/am worried about Uncle Frank, but also for my dad. He's stressed out over it, of course. And he doesn't talk much about stuff that bothers him. So, I made a cherry pie Sunday night and got up just before 6am. I caught a 7:10 boat from Edmonds and got to his house by 8:30. It was a surprise and I thought I'd missed him because the door was locked (which it never is). But, he came down the stairs and was happy to see me (and the pie). We went to the beach and Suzy ran through the waves like she was born minutes before. She was a salty, dirty dog by the end of it all. We got food, and I had to spend an hour on my computer organizing this damn rugby camp, and then we went to the gym. There was a guy in tight bright yellow mesh shorts, pulled up a little too high for his long thighs. I could see his black briefs through the mesh. He had a top knot and tall white socks with those black slip on shoes that dancers wear. It was a little awkward. But, he was a nice guy so, that's all that matters, right? After working out, Paula and I went to the beach to run a staircase, after dropping Dad off at home. We'd just missed Aunt Carol's phone call saying that Uncle Frank's surgery went well and everything was going as planned, if not a little better. Good, great, wonderful. We made a super good dinner and had pie and health cookies for dessert. My beer gave me a buzz on my worked-out, empty, dehydrated stomach. And then I caught the 9:55 ferry home. Long day, followed up by brutal cramps when I got back to Lake City. Tried kinder methods but eventually took a powerhouse drug and knocked myself out, sleeping on a cloud. And woke up with cottonmouth and a sore throat. So, Monday I spent the day with family and it was wonderful.

Yesterday was work, lots of boxes. Hot. Crowded and chaotic at work. I was frazzled and kind of grumpy in the mess. But, it got sorted out. When I got home I felt like crap, mild cramps and gross-feeling stomach. So, I pushed through my workout (had to, Tacoma PAT is on the horizon) and showered and lazed. Al brought her man-friend over. It was good to see her. And also to eat the delicious delicious banana bread she brought with her. She keeps trying to steal my Miller High Life hat. I told her when she can drink a case in two sittings she can have it. Or, Alec if you read this, if you get me a Budweiser or RAINIER hat that's just as good. I'd prefer Rainier though. I'd give you that MHL hat AND make you a vegan treat for that. Yesterday my goal was to get our bedroom less crowded and gross. It didn't really happen. We moved the bed (and I've been sleeping like a psycho ever since). I really want to take the stuff that not related to sleeping or getting dressed out of the bedroom. It sucks to fall asleep amidst a pile of crap hovering around you, tangled with month-old Charlie fur balls and possibly harboring a cat or two. It just doesn't feel right. So, the plan is to get something for storing bedding. Move the winter clothes into the guest room. Keep a basic amount of our clothes in one dresser. (Charlie is on the porch howling along to the fire engine. He loves Lake City.) And clean out our damn closet. That way the bedroom is just the bed, some stored blankets, and a few clothes (not the mounds and baskets of clothes we have now - the clothes in the dresser are the ones we don't wear). We'll see when that actually happens.

And today, my goal is to chill the F out. I want to go in the yard and sit with the chickens for a bit. And after work we're going to the Sloop with some coworkers. One of the guys is pretty excited about it. So, we're Slooper sizing it at 8pm. Delicious. And cost-effective.

appreciate it, damn it.

Today I decided I needed to appreciate more about the way my life currently is. And, I did, pretty much. I appreciated eating Lucky Charms in my truck on the way to work. I appreciated work, pretty much. The day was decently-paced, even though we weren't busy. I appreciated that. I did not appreciate the ferocious cramps I got after two sets of shuttles. That was not wonderful. I don't appreciate cramps, ever. I did appreciate Molly today, often. Just a little less when she was fangry, and then a little less again when she was crazy with post-fangles. I appreciated Charlie and Suzy, even though Charlie hid underneath the hammock when I threw Suzy's ball. He's mad at me right now because I caught him eating really expensive catfood yesterday and put him in a five minute time-out in the bedroom. I really appreciated the Lake City Seafair parade yesterday. The many many drill teams (Sultan! What!) with their one foot stamping and their tassled boots and cowgirl hats. I appreciated the Lake City Vigilantes, and how the pot-bellied man with the cowboy hat, vest and holter strapped to his leg fingered the butt of his "pistol" when a group of black kids walked by. I appreciated the drunk man, the cracked out lady and the toothless meth couple that all stopped to pet our dogs. I did not appreciate the womanly Ronald McDonald swirling down Lake City Way on a Segway crying out, "Helllloooo Laaakkee Citeeee. Helllllo frieennds. Weeeeoooo!! Yeahh!!" He didn't even hand anything out. You'd think McDonalds could spring for some coupons. I appreciated all the middle-aged men bumping their fist on their chest when Dick('s), himself, rode his convertible past. Charlie did not appreciate the Seafair pirates' canons or bullwhips. It was a great community event. Only 364 more days until Lake City Pioneer Days 2009.

Today I also appreciated the chickens. And how they ran after me in the yard. And already know that taking off the compost lid means time to eat all the tasty fly larva.

August.

I'm usually juggling a few different projects at once. It's been the nature of the game since I was a little creature. My mom is a super ambitious (crazily busy/overwhelmed) lady. I've always been a toned-down (can you believe it!) version of that. But, I have my dad's paralyzing perfectionism mixed in, which creates a person who tries to do too much too well and, in actuality, does very little, part way. But, that part way is sooooo perfect. Anyways, I was sitting a home a few nights ago trying to think about a better way to be a person in this world, trying to walk that line between both my parental models. I decided I just wanted to do something each day that made me feel like something had been accomplished, but without all the crazy accessories (other chores/obligations) that I usually latch onto each day. Capish? Anyway, yesterday I decided I wanted to bring a sack lunch to work. I'd been going to work rushed, without lunch, which usually resulted in me trying to waitout my shift so I could eat something cheaper/healthier than what's around my work. I'd fail and dig into whatever sugar/carb-overload was in the backroom. Well, I brought my sack lunch. Or, more accurately, I ate the Safeway groceries I'd left in my bag at work, including room-temp yogurt. Delish. But, a step in the right direction.

And today, I decided I wanted to eat all three meals at home. Again, this comes back to trying to save money and eat a little better. Not so sure about eating better but I did, for the first time, make good hash browns. I rolled up the shredded potatoes in lots of towels/papertowels and basically stood on it, trying to get all the water out of the potatoes. Amazing. So, I've eating an American-worthy parade of foods today... fried eggs, hash browns, PB&J, milk, chocolate chip cookies, yogurt, pasta. So good. Vegetables? What.

poor choices.

Gas is $4.11 up at the 7-11 on 125th. That's actually cheap compared to what it has been. So, buying a new truck at this time in history is like running into a building on fire while everyone else is running out. The up side is that, like houses in some parts of the country, you can pretty much determine your own price. And then watch it depreciate like crazy with the rest of this sour economy. So, I shouldn't be asking for dealer quotes for 2008 Tundras.... but I am.