May 30th.

Every once in a while I hit my limit of my current line of employment. Ask Molly. I’ll suddenly lose it and swear that I’m going to quit. And I never have the guts because I am paid well, treated like family, have great benefits, and would feel terrible pulling the rug out from under all these people who have looked out for me for the past four years. Also I verbally committed to three to five years and I only just passed my two-year mark. I always knew that a job offer from a fire department would mean I would break that commitment but I also imagined that I would have had one of those offers by now. I don’t know why I figured I would get an offer in the first year or so of testing, not that many people are that lucky or that good, but I just assumed it was destined to be so I didn’t imagine myself turning 26 and working at a desk for a large part of my job. Now I just feel like the openings are going to be few and far between and there will be even more people competing for them, a lot of awesome, over-qualified people. I mean, I’m going to keep the faith, but this trip is making me realize that I need to figure out something in the meantime. This trip doesn’t at all represent where I work. But, it just makes me think of what it’s going to be like to spend another summer outfitting people with athletic stuff when the sun is beating down its limited-time-only rays and I’m under-stimulated mentally and physically. I feel like such an ungrateful creepy for wanting out but it’s just not me. I mean, it never has been me but there are a lot of aspects about it that I can appreciate and I’ve been treated so well that it’s kept me working. But, I have a hard time working hard when my heart isn’t in something. I’ll work out of duty or because I’m worried I’ll get yelled at. But, most of what I’ve done in my whole life I’ve done because I’ve absolutely loved it. I rode horses because I loved it. I worked at barns as stable hands and grooms because I loved it. I went to college and studied relatively hard because I loved it. I played, and later coached, rugby because I loved it. I volunteered as a firefighter because I loved it. When I look back on my life and see what took up the bulk of my time, these are those things. And now, I have something taking up the bulk of my time and I don’t love it at all. At times I’m resentful of it and definitely have not put my all into it the way the job should be gotten at. And it’s a job a lot of people would be super proud to have. I feel like I’m hogging a spot that someone else would shine in. Like an imposter. An imposter with a salary and health insurance though so it makes it hard to just drop it like its hot in this down economy. And I’m not a princess that thinks that everything in life should be neat and fun and there should be no sacrifice. I haven’t loved every job I’ve ever had. But, I don’t have a mortgage or kids so I don’t have those outer responsibilities that might keep someone else at a job they don’t love. I’m in a part of my life where I only really have to answer to myself and I feel like I’m squandering it while I’m waiting for something I have limited control over. So, I e-mailed my advisor type person. She’s a firefighter who I met at Camp Blaze a six years ago and her advice means a lot. I asked her if she had any thoughts on what I could pursue while I was waiting to get hired, like what would look best on a resume. The way I see it, if I were to quit my current job, I have four options: get back into fire as a resident, probably at North; get re-certified as an EMT and work for private ambulance; get re-certified as an EMT and apply to paramedic school; or go back to community college for my fire science degree. I don’t know what weight each of those holds when applying to fire departments. I would ideally like to work for a large enough department that they plan on training you, in all regards, themselves, but I know the smaller departments value prior training and I can’t be picky on departments now. Going back to work as a resident would be both good and bad at the same time. I mean, I would love to just do the job again, even if it means not being paid for it. But, I wouldn’t be ale to hold any regular job to actually make money because the shifts aren’t on the same days week-to-week. I could work for myself or my mom and probably make enough to pay rent and buy groceries but there wouldn’t be a whole lot else leftover. But, it would allow me to maintain my EMT-cert and have my name out there for the smaller departments. Working for a private ambulance would mean a huge decrease in pay and being treated like shit at work. But, I’d be interested in the work and would maintain my EMT-cert. Going to medic school would mean I’m not only not making money, I’m paying a few thousand bucks to spend my time elsewhere. And it wouldn’t start until September ’10, if I were even accepted. That’s a long ways off and I would hope to have things sorted out by then. But, being a medic would mean my pool of competition would shrink a ton and I’d start at a higher pay grade. I would also be looked at as a nurse and having snuck my way into a fire department though the back door and that would piss me off until I could prove otherwise. I want to enter as a firefighter but I want to get my foot in the door no matter what. And, going to school for my fire science degree seems like it could look good and definitely refresh my memory, and I’m sure I’d learn new things too. But, I’m still paying money and time to go to school when I do have to bring home at least a little bit of bacon. So, it’s a dilemma. But, I’m going to ponder it for the next couple weeks. I know myself well enough to know what this is though and it’s one of those times in my life when the tides turn. I have ‘em every couple of years and this one has been way overdue. I gotta git after what I want because no one else is going to do it for me.