Really I am procrastinating right now. But, rather than putter around the house anymore, slightly agitated, I thought I would give this blog a little revival and actually write down some of the things on my mind. Sometimes I find myself trying to control every tiny thing in my life. Everywhere I turn I feel like I am disappointed by what I see. Usually (almost always) I fail to recognize that this means that I'm really worried about some 800lb gorilla that I can't bring myself to acknowledge. Today that gorilla is the damn Public Safety test. I've taken it 2-3 times before. I've always scored in the 90s. But that's not enough on this test. And I can imagine even 100% right now is going to be competitive, especially since no one I know of is hiring yet. I feel like I am living my life as if it belongs to someone else right now, like I'm waiting to step in and take over when I get this shot at a job I really want. I'm starting to feel like a dweeb, a wannabe. And it's getting a little old. I mean, I want this all more than ever now. And I feel ready in every respect. But, every chance I have to submit an application or take a test I get amped up, agitated, nervous. I mean, of course I want to do well, but I'm more nervous about the aftermath. The eagerness that eventually mellows into disappointment. It's been less than two years since I started testing but I assumed it would be easier than this. And I didn't think it would be easy. I just thought I'd have at least one or two interviews under my belt by this point. I don't want to be the person that lives with their life on hold while waiting for one thing to come through but I have a hard time going one day without this returning to the forefront of my mind at least once. I hate emo people and those who hint all around their emotions to get attention but, shit, every time I hear a fire engine roar by I feel like my stomach is preparing for the day I get to be onboard. Mostly I am eager for the complete feeling that it must be to love your job, to feel a part of something productive and necessary. Even those days you don't want to go to work it must be the shit to do so knowing you're a damn important cog in the wheel. I'm excited to be proud of my career and to know it fits perfectly with the rest of my life. I can wait until then. I have it just fine right now. But, something is missing and every opportunity I have to compete for a position I get damn nervous. So, definitely enough procrastinating. Time to cram some more studying into my head before getting some rest.