It's Cold.

Fall settled in hard this week. One week ago I had to wear shorts to work so I didn't roast on my Wednesday night shift. Now the windows are frosted over and it's time to pick the green tomatoes because they are definitely not ripening in this frigid air. I have to say, the past few days have been eventful, to say the least. But, I feel like I am paying some penance now and trying to make good choices for myself and others. Monday was a rough workout that I deserved, considering how low my tank was when I did it. And I slept almost 10 hours that night. Tuesday was way wholesome, a sub 4 minute workout (thanks, Laura) and a visit to Dad's in PT that included an hour on his new sailboat. We did run out of wind right in the path of the ferryboat. But, lived to tell the tale. The sky was a deep purple bruise to the south but somehow the sun was bursting through it all. And I realized that my dad must know a lot about clouds. Thirty years as an airline pilot has to leave you with some sort of sense of what a good cloud looks like and what clouds are out for blood. I learned that the hairpiece type clouds that usually sit on Mt Rainier are naughty clouds, since they indicate a lot of upward moving air. And, Dad let me steer the boat, which I enjoyed much more once I learned how to do it. There is something real special about being on small sailboat clipping through a bay. I'm just saying. Especially when it's just you and your dad and you are both okay with silence at times. I had a really great visit with him yesterday. I couldn't have asked for a better day. And seeing Paula, even if only for long enough for us to wolf down our Mexican food, was the best way to end it. So, wholesome it is for the week. I am going to try to cook all my meals today. I'm trying out the Crossfit nutrition assault thing again. We'll see how long it lasts. But, for now, I'm okay with being a dork about food for a while because I obviously don't have the self control needed to pave my own way.

So that's where I am at now. I'll have to see if I can soldier through the rest of the week with some semblance of self-respect since I tend to fall apart the closer the weekend draws...

Why Today is Great...

1. 6pm. Dawgs v. Cardinals. Let's do it again...
2. 11am rugby. Saturday is a rugby day.
3. Smoldering fire in the driveway = smokey clothes and a chill night.
4. Lots of tomatoes to harvest for Mom's sauce.
5. A new fridge that won't freeze our vegetables!
6. Morning run with the dogs + the shuffle.
7. A long overdue clean bedroom.
8. Fight Gone Bad!
9. Waking up to tired muscles.
10. Country music.
11. Sun in late September.
12. I always love driving my truck. Doesn't matter where.
13. Great roommates. Sometimes you just get lucky.
    
14. I don't feel like crap because I finally had a low key week. Also long overdue and my body is super thankful.
15. Good people.
    

swinging back

I think every fall I find myself in the same place. This is usually my time to regroup and come down from the high of summer. (Although last year there wasn't much of one since there wasn't much of a summer). And this summer is all the more pivotal in this transition. I feel a little like I need to re-learn how to be an adult. This last summer was awesome but I have definitely neglected plenty of responsibilities in the duration. I think that's okay every once in a while, as long as you come back to earth and reclaim some sort of claim on your life. And these transitions are always the best for me. A chance to live up to my full virgo potential (or so I hear) and attempt to organize the shit out of some as impossible to organize as living. But a challenge I'll accept nonetheless! I can't get over how much I love fall, I think more than summer even. Summer is a time to live without excuses or apologies, even though you should probably be making plenty of each. Fall is a time to cut back the garden, clean out the gutters, mow the lawn one last time and then know that you are relieved from the responsibility of outdoor work. It's one last hurrah for all the stuff you were "going to do this summer" and then a wonderful peace that comes with knowing that this is the time for soups and walks and decorations and pies and family and friends. Three months of it! January and February are their own problem but, until then, it's the best time of the year. And this year (2009! dear god) it's a chance to recover from some blunders (ahem, Public Safety) by hopefully putting it all out there when it counts (Burien) and keep that ace in the hole with fungers crossed (Tacoma). But, this year, as opposed to years passed, I feel more in the driver's seat. I think I know more what I want and am trying to learn the patience that is necessary when you have a narrowly focused desire. Patience has never been a strong suit of mine. I mean, I'm actually super miserable at it. But, this year, more than most, I am learning it or it is learning me, but regardless, I'm getting it.

Almost fall...

This is my favorite time of year. The leaves are turning. College football opened last weekend, nicely timed with the arrival of the first crop of Honeycrisp apples (the best way to blow $3 on a single food item). I have to turn the heat on in the truck in the morning or at night. The dogs have an extra zing in their step as the air gets a little more crisp. The damn pumpkin still won't produce, even though it's taken over the back corner of the yard and much of the garden. Obviously it's in no rush to save us some money and give us a couple giant pumpkins for Halloween. The smell of woodsmoke filters through the air randomly, giving the folks downtown an itch for burn bans probably. It's gold and cold and everything tastes better in the fall. We're still 11 days away from the official start but the seasons seem to turn earlier in our hearts than on the calander. This is the time of year when I trade cheap lagers for microbrewed dark lagers (big step!) and the grill for a soup pot. I listen to NPR in the mornings instead of KMPS and I leaf through fancy home magazines and wander off to bed at 10:00 instead of doin' it up until midnight or later. It's early mornings that feel like night and that soft sense of looming hibernation we all share. The wind blew in from the north yesterday, ruffling all the papers on my desk. That hasn't happened since last fall.

As the seasons click by it's hard not to wonder where the time goes. But now we have things like Facebook and Blogspot to track the time, to remind us where we were a year ago, or two months ago. And, even though I choose to not reflect much, if at all, on olden times, I like that the option is there. Although, somehow, and maybe it's the change of seasons, I feel way more at peace with today than I usually do. It feels more like an old pair of jeans than I am used to.

Last thing before I go to work. It's hard to believe that eight years ago those planes crashed into the towers and all those people died. Eight years. I woke up this morning to a man on the radio who had lost two sons, both New York City firefighters, in that tragedy. He was oddly at peace with it. He had the chance to one of them as he was riding to the site. Their last words to each other were, "I love you." It was a horrible and beautiful thing to hear, still groggy from sleep. He said that he wouldn't change anything. He spoke about the pride of both boys being firefighters and how lucky he was to have his last communication be words of love. If nothing else, this day should be a day to appreciate everyone in our lives. It's scary how quickly things can change. But, knowing that we love each other is what makes this time we have together as awesome as it is.

Really I am procrastinating right now. But, rather than putter around the house anymore, slightly agitated, I thought I would give this blog a little revival and actually write down some of the things on my mind. Sometimes I find myself trying to control every tiny thing in my life. Everywhere I turn I feel like I am disappointed by what I see. Usually (almost always) I fail to recognize that this means that I'm really worried about some 800lb gorilla that I can't bring myself to acknowledge. Today that gorilla is the damn Public Safety test. I've taken it 2-3 times before. I've always scored in the 90s. But that's not enough on this test. And I can imagine even 100% right now is going to be competitive, especially since no one I know of is hiring yet. I feel like I am living my life as if it belongs to someone else right now, like I'm waiting to step in and take over when I get this shot at a job I really want. I'm starting to feel like a dweeb, a wannabe. And it's getting a little old. I mean, I want this all more than ever now. And I feel ready in every respect. But, every chance I have to submit an application or take a test I get amped up, agitated, nervous. I mean, of course I want to do well, but I'm more nervous about the aftermath. The eagerness that eventually mellows into disappointment. It's been less than two years since I started testing but I assumed it would be easier than this. And I didn't think it would be easy. I just thought I'd have at least one or two interviews under my belt by this point. I don't want to be the person that lives with their life on hold while waiting for one thing to come through but I have a hard time going one day without this returning to the forefront of my mind at least once. I hate emo people and those who hint all around their emotions to get attention but, shit, every time I hear a fire engine roar by I feel like my stomach is preparing for the day I get to be onboard. Mostly I am eager for the complete feeling that it must be to love your job, to feel a part of something productive and necessary. Even those days you don't want to go to work it must be the shit to do so knowing you're a damn important cog in the wheel. I'm excited to be proud of my career and to know it fits perfectly with the rest of my life. I can wait until then. I have it just fine right now. But, something is missing and every opportunity I have to compete for a position I get damn nervous. So, definitely enough procrastinating. Time to cram some more studying into my head before getting some rest.