RIP 360

One sad event that happens in two days is the cancellation of my 360 phone number. I signed up for a new cell phone service and was unable to retain my old phone number, that I've had since I was 19 years old. I really didn't want to switch to the 503 but I didn't have much choice, unless I stayed with Sprint, and they are basically the worst, ever. 360, you've been so good to me and I will always remember where I come from, no matter my prefix or Oregon plates.

so so tired

I think it's crazy what a long road it has been and how much is still untraveled. Maybe it's the smoke grey sky or all of the bare trees or the constant damp cold, but I feel tapped out. I feel like a husk today. I am just exhausted. We did not sleep much on Tuesday. Went to bed at midnight after a long day of eight calls and drilling and evening studying. Woke up at one to run another call. Got back to the station a little before 2am to a burning smell coming from under the engine. Plugging it into the shore power made sparks fly onto the bay floor at the front of the rig. So, we transferred all necessary equipment over to the reserve engine and ended up in bed around 3. Being up at 6 didn't leave much time for quality REMs. I was a big grump when I got home at 8. I had a hard time shaking out of it and never really did until Jackie and I went to Duke's, this country western bar a few miles from my house. It was a fun night watching people country dance to a pretty good live cover band.

This morning I just feel drained. I've written up most of my outlines for our test tomorrow but I still need to study the material and then work on memorizing equipment location on the engine and tool talks that will be due in a few shifts. I slept hard last night but woke up to raging carpal tunnel. I'm at my wit's end with that affliction. It's really gotten old. And today I've just felt blank, not grumpy or anything, just real worn out. Being down here is tough, away from most of my friends and all of my family. Add to that this damn freezing house and literally no social life and it starts feeling like Groundhog Day. Every day is the same, studying, getting ready for work, working, then starting it over. Six more months of this routine, if I'm lucky. It feels like six years. I feel bad even complaining at all. I have what I've wanted for so long and I have it at a time when a lot of people don't even have jobs to bitch about. I'm lucky. I just have a hard time remembering it on days like today.

26 days and counting

That's how many shifts we have until we move to the truck. Not that I am looking that far ahead. Seriously. It's too many 24-hour periods of potential f-ups. I wish I had less of a paranoid attitude about this process. I try to reshape my thinking so I can pretend I am going to work at a station where we just happen to drill a lot and practice/train rather than being in the precarious probationary position. But, that's always on the back burner. Two days off will be a weird adjustment. It's not quite enough to put work out of your mind but it's much more frequent than the weekends at TAC. So, it's a trade off. Yesterday was good. I was pretty grumpy when I got home, from lack of sleep and general stress. But, Jackie getting up here was good and I took a short nap which kind of helped. We made a really good dinner of baked ziti and watched Amelia Earhart, on Alec's recommendation. I forgot Alec just likes Hilary Swank and will be biased toward any movie she is in. Not a good movie, sorry Al. But we started this at 5pm and had a super early evening. It was kind of awesome. With darkness at 5:00 it's easy to pretend it's way later. I think it was my favorite night in a long time. Tomorrow is Day 2 at Station 2. I think it will be a tough day. They will want to make up for Christmas being so easy on us. But, that will make the day go by faster I think.

home again home again

Just got home from shift uno. I don't really like thinking about work when I'm not there. It's nice to take a break and not talk about it. But, in the anti-spirit of that thought, the first day was fine. It was pretty laid back because it was Christmas. We didn't run any calls, except one alarm activation that was canceled after we pulled out of the station. We didn't even drill much, just rifled through every compartment on the engine to make lists of what was inside. Still managed to stay up late and slept kind of crappy so I'm pretty tired right now. I wish I could write more about this but basically I ate two huge meals really fast (we all have to finish together and the guys eat fast and I put too much food on my plate so I paid for it and trained for an eating contest all at once) and got the low-down from our senior crew all day as we learned the ins and outs of our new shift. I'm sure I'll have more interesting stories later. Happy Boxing Day.

back on the brink of the roller coaster

It's Christmas Eve and it feels like every other school night this year. I am sitting in my house. The temperature is just above freezing (keeps you looking young I hear) and the only noise in the house is the squeak and squeal of the dryer. It's zen for me to sit here and not put a fist through the door listening to a noise that only bats should be able to register. I just got done studying for my first test on my first day at Station 2 tomorrow (merry christmas). Not sure what to expect but I figure it will be similar to what we had at the training academy, or at least that's what I am hoping for. I also just looked at my bank account and almost cried over that. Luckily I just read an article this evening on how to create inner peace. I am drawing on those pointers as I type this. Lucky for the dryer. But tomorrow is a new chapter in this training. It makes me pretty nervous but I will show up and shut up and work hard, that's my plan anyway. We'll see where it gets me. Already looking forward to coming home Sunday morning to a late Christmas day with Jackie and the dogs. The past two days in Veneta went way too fast. I can see how the next five months could feasibly fly by, if I play my cards right. Two days off, to recover and prepare for 24 hours of work, sure doesn't seem like much. I know those who work 9-5 probably think I am a big douche for even saying that. And to those people I say all you need is a high school diploma to apply for a this job so please, have at it. But, seriously, two days really flies by quick when you don't want to leave the people you're with. Speaking of which, this house is mighty quiet without the dogs. I mean, all they do is lay around but I at least am used to their presence. I think I owe those two fleabags a lot of meaty bones and long walks when this is over. They have kept me sane throughout this whole move/training even though I complain about taking them out at 5:45 in the morning when it's windy and rainy. I got it good, even when I lose sight of that simple fact.

Merry Christmas.

here we go, again

Okay. So we all passed our finals. It was a stressful day but it all happened. Our group actually did really well. I guess on our last evolution the stress finally got to one of the guys I was partnered with. The trainers said we were done, finished, no more finals. I guess he didn't hear thought because he was still rolling with the evolution, pulling shit out of compartments on the engine, connecting it to the pump panel, and getting ready to pull more hose. The best part is is that it was all unnecessary, even if we were not finished with the evolution. I had my mistakes too though. Heeled the 35' ladder with the wrong foot when we were bringing it down. Tied a psycho knot instead of a figure 8 follow through. I always freak out on the knots. I can tie them fast, behind my back, racing a buddy in class. And then I need to tie it for a trainer on my test and it's like my hands are someone else's and I am just watching them butcher this thing I know. Pretty awesome.

So I am in Eugene now. Getting ready to plunge into a frenzy of last minute Christmas shopping and preparation for out first shift at station 2 on Christmas Day. Need to take my duty shirt to the dry cleaners and get massive amounts of presents for people. I thought I would have time this past week but it turns out that the down week after academy finals moves quicker than the past four months. I went to Seattle and saw everyone but left in the same tornado that brought me up there. I crashed in my armchair on Monday and Tuesday night this week, watching Dexter and drinking a beer curled up in a blanket in my cold house.

Tuesday I left work angry for the first time. Like, pissed, steam from the ears angry. We were given a scenario of fire in the fifth floor of the training tower and told to put it out. The guy leading the scenario didn't communicate the plan well and I thought we were doing two different things (and acting upon those thoughts) until I realized we were climbing the firefighters ladder to the fourth floor. I ended up on the fourth floor outside of the ladder with almost 100' of 2.5" hose on my shoulder. I hadn't done a great job of keeping my arms above shoulder level so the hose was slipping down my arm a little bit. And the wind was just ripping from the east, blowing the hose out from my shoulder like a skinny little sail. I wasn't sure how to get around the ladder because I had never had that much weight on my shoulder at that height and felt like dismounting the ladder (swinging around to the backside) would result in my losing the hose. So a trainer came up and took the hose from me, which led to humiliation. I kept going with the drill. But I was so frustrated at my crew member for not thinking that scenario through. I guess this is where we learn. That was my least favorite experience thus far though.

Okay, my fingers are cracked and I got places to be. I am happy academy is done with. I miss everyone more than I can say. I am nervous and excited for this next stage. And I am glad this blog is private.

Final Countdown

Three days until the final. Trying to keep the stress at bay but I can feel it creeping. It was so good to see Dad and Paula this weekend. We had a ridiculously good dinner at a place downtown, Red Tavern or something? They sold the finest Portland tap water, filtered, for $5 a bottle. We stuck to the less fine free tap water that must be from a different water main, one that is not gold-plated. I miss family so much but I miss everything about my old life, like having one. It's seriously a hostage situation with probation. There is no room for anything else. This tiny, drafty house has seen more of me than everyone else in my life combined. But, after I forced myself to clean on Friday I decided I like this house. It feels a lot more like home now. Or maybe that's just because the two bulldog puppies are gone.

Time for bedtime.

Well, it's flooding outside. The rain has been coming down in sheets since this morning. The weekend is halfway over. Dad and Paula are about an hour or so away. I am really excited to see them. I have been practicing tool talks and cleaning my house all morning. I actually got sleep last night. The night before was the worst thing ever. I woke up every two hours with my right arm on fire. I had to get up and walk around to shake it out for about fifteen minutes until I could try to sleep again. I think I got maybe 5 hours of sleep total and ended up getting up at 5:30. Nice sleeping in. The chiropractor adjusted my neck, elbow and wrist yesterday and I think it really helped. I was able to sleep through the night last night. And we have two more days of practice before our final exams on Wednesday. Just thinking about it makes my hands sweat. But, I think we got it. My crew is solid and we have good communication, problem solving and situational awareness. Should be a good day Wednesday. I really hope all 13 of us pass that day so we can celebrate at the Chicken that night. I am super excited to head north after next week. I am hoping to just head north after work on Thursday but it depends on if there is a Chicken that night or not.

I have a lot more to write about I feel but I am not in the mood to write. Portland got a little lonelier with all this damn rain. I feel bad for my dogs not going out today but it is really ridiculous outside. I will try to be better about keeping this updated.

already December, crazy

Suzy has this awful habit of sitting across the room from me and just staring. You know Suzy, she has creepy coal eyes and she sort of tilts her head downward a little to give it the freshly-possessed look. Her left ear cocks back a little and no matter how slowly and casually you glance up from your reading those flat black eyes are just waiting to meet yours. I like thinking these dogs keep my safe but now I'm not so sure. I feel like Suzy would grow thumbs in the night just to wield an axe. Must be Wednesday night. These poor dogs get zero attention Monday through Thursday. Literally two short (ten minute) walks in the morning and night. I am in the house with them whenever I am not at work (or at the Chicken on Thursdays) and they sleep in my room but we don't really interact. Sometimes I tell Suzy to stop liking her butt or Charlie to stop licking his long-gone balls. Or I tell them to get away from me when I put on my jacket. They know we're going on a walk when that happens but I can't handle the sudden sea of fur that is all around me when they know they get to leave them house. It's weird that they know the difference between any of my jackets that I wear and my work clothes that I leave in the morning in. They are never excited to see those.

Today was a good day at work. We were able to work out. And then drilled for about three hours. We got in some good reps. I really enjoy my crew. We are low-drama, low-key and have high expectations of each other and ourselves. And everyone is pretty honest and says what they think so it all works out. I think we'll do well at finals but that's two weeks down the pipe still. Thank god. I have not even touched on my tool talks or knots beyond real basic stuff. And we have individual skills we seriously need to work on. I sort of can't believe how much we have to fit in to the next two weeks. Thinking about it stresses me out so I choose to not think and just accept that it will all happen as it's supposed to. I need to keep the fire burning (no pun intended) and not bail on my enthusiasm. It's been a long haul and we are no where near the end but it's nerve-wrecking and exciting to be so close to a mile marker. We watched the class ahead of us take their final today, in preparation to move to the truck (the last stage of training). I watch those guys doing stuff and feel a little overwhelmed but I know that I felt the same way when I showed up three months ago and they were where we are now, practicing for their finals and I wanted to barf when I saw what they were doing then, sure I'd never get it. I guess when you give your life over to this stuff gets done. I don't know what else I thought would happen when I signed up to live and breathe this job for the next year plus. Sometimes I'm just surprised when I look back and see where we came from.

win'som, lose some

So, I got a compliment today at work. Unfortunately it was at the expense of one of my crew members. He screwed up a couple things that I fixed during the course of our evolution and ended up making me look like I probably had a better idea of what was going on than I actually did. I guess, to give myself some credit, I was really trying on that one. Not that I don't usually. But the past few weeks, since our midterms really, I've felt sort of off when we've been drilling. I felt pretty confident and pulled together for midterms. since then we've had some stuff thrown at us that's been pretty challenging for me. I can do it all and I know I'll get better at it as I get stronger and learn better techniques. I just sort of retreat into a place of insecurity when I feel like maybe I'm being selfish trying to become a firefighter. Maybe it's something I'm not meant for. I do want it, as much, if not more than ever. And I feel I can do it and be a positive contribution. But I get caught up in the drill ground world sometimes where I see this as the entire parameters of the job and feel like I am just scraping by some days. Anyway, today on our last evolution I watched the crew in front of us go and I saw the driver really mess it up. I actually had to stop watching her because I was nervous for our turn and I didn't want to get bad habits in my head. When our turn came I thought they might be watching the driver (me) extra hard since the last one was not so good. So I did my best. I talked loud and often and made sure I always looked before I did something to double check myself. It paid off because I was able to be confident when fixing some mistakes and I got told good job at the end of it all. I felt bad that the other guy didn't come off looking so good but every dog has its day and that five minutes was mine I guess. I did some boneheaded stuff earlier in the day to balance out the karma.

It wouldn't be a proper thought if it didn't include some remorse about my poor studying habits. I went to bed at 9pm last night and slept like crap. So I am tempted to try it again tonight (even though it's already past 9) and see if some Advil PM will kick me into a solid 7 hours of sleep. I have so much studying to do for our last test on Thursday but I keep pushing the boundaries as far as studying is concerned. I shouldn't. But, when you have pillows calling your name it's tough to say no after seven hours in the wind and rain on the drill ground. I think I'm calling it a night.

PS - I owe my dogs the most exciting rest of their lives after this ordeal is completed.

You've got to be kidding

Four days during academy feels like four years but a four day weekend feels like four minutes. This is the part where we go to the top of the roller coaster and get that really good view before feeling like we're plunging to our death at a million miles an hour. Ten days of practice before our practical finals. I think only seven days until our written final. Somehow I am much much less concerned with that then the practicals. They are heavily loaded I feel for this last section. And I think our instructors will be watching us much more closely, seeing as how we will have just completed almost FOUR MONTHS of training. Lord, you'd think we'd be competent. I will cross that bridge when it arrives in three weeks. In the meantime, I need to buckle down and get after the opportunities to learn what I can in the next two and a half weeks. Also, tomorrow 10-04 is being sworn in, meaning the class after us (10-03) is being welcomed to the beginning of their four months of academy. Get it 10-04. I can't believe we're at the other end now.

Thanksgiving weekend was good. I made Paula Dean's Caramel Apple Cheesecake half drunk on Wednesday night after coming home from the Wooden Chicken. That was good until I was fishing my CuisineArt spinny slicey thing out of a bunch of cream cheese filling and sliced my hand open. Don't worry, Jackie, I pulled my hand out quick and it was a nice clean cut so I didn't get any blood on the cheesecake. It was like watching a kid fall off a bike, a nice long pause until the tears/blood started flowing. And Thursday I was able to catch up with Grandma, Chris, Mom and Dad on the way down to Veneta. Thanksgiving was delicious, so much food for four people. And I have more than my fair share in my fridge now. Up was probably the best movie we could have watched on a belly full of Thanksgiving and eggnog. Friday was nice, even if the Ducks have yet lose a game. I guess they are earning that number one ranking after all since they are actually playing tough teams now. And I ate a Philly Cheesesteak for the first time, sorry Al. I can see why people like those. I think I managed to eat too much every day but today. It was nice not wanting to vomit immediately after eating. Saturday was a good day too. Went to Triangle Lake and watched Jackie fish for a bit for some Kokanee. Better luck next time. It was raining pretty hard and the dogs were running around the parking lot and the water like maniacs. Paisley brings out the puppy in Suzy sometimes. Or Satan, depending on Suzy's mood and what Paisley is doing to her. Charlie really really thought about getting in the water off the dock. He'd put one paw out above the water and pull it back like he was swimming. And then try the other paw. I didn't have the heart to push him in. Maybe if it was twenty degrees warmer or he was five years younger. It'd be like falling into water with a down parka on. I don't think he'd make the swim to shore with his locks of love. Anyway, we warmed up at Crazy Al's, which ended up being a pretty neat bar. The gal put on the second half of the Husky game and I got towatch them beat Cal for the second year in a row. If I wasn't already warm from a couple beers that sure did warm my heart. We promptly cooled off, choosing to take advantage of the sunshine to walk the railroads tracks in a new direction. Right about when we turned around the skies opened up and the rain came down. Neither of us had on rain jackets, being true northwesterners. The plan was to put on sweats and watch a great game between Stanford and OSU but the TV kept cutting out and that was for the best because the Beavs had their worst loss of the season. Stanford shouldn't be able to be great academically and athletically. That is greedy. More drinking and lots of sleeping capped off the weekend.

Today I drove back to Portland up Highway 99 rather than braving post-Thanksgiving I-5 traffic. It didn't take much longer since I drive 55 on I5 anyway. And it was amazing. Monmouth, Amity, McMinnville, Newberg all had up wreaths for Christmas on their streetposts. The country was way more open than the drive yesterday out to Triangle Lake. That was beautiful but the ceiling felt so low and the hills looked like they had mange with all the moss and logging. This was much more agricultural, open pastures and I guess wineries but I didn't see many off the highway. I could definitely see myself moving out that way when I get some money saved up for a place. I imagine it even rains less out there since the land is technically fit for grapes. I'd eager to do some more exploring as time allows.
Now, I'm home and ready to hit the hay and start off the week tomorrow at 5am. I'm feeling a little under the weather from being so cold last week (I am literally hugging a space heater with my knees as I type this) and probably having too much to eat and drink this weekend. I got some of the yard raked up with the last hour of daylight tonight. And I put a wreath on my door, forgoing the one of my truck grill this year so I don't look like a toolshed at work. My house is clean and ready to go for round 13 tomorrow. Fifteen more days at TAC and then 28 days on the two rotations at 2s. 71 more days and 7 more months of the tough part of training. If getting fired wasn't so easy that might seem like a big step. I'll take tomorrow as it's own day and go from there.

I'm excited to go to sleep.

tiredddd

Almost 9pm. I have another test I am procrastinating studying for. I feel very tired. Charlie is itching himself, still. He needs another flea bath but I feel like he will turn into an icicle in my house if I give him one now. And Suzy is having her butt for dessert. Sick. I love these dogs but they are so nasty sometimes. Not that I am one to talk. I am managing to not do laundry this week because it's so damn cold I haven't sweat much since work has been sort of like being snowed in at school, minus the snow. The yard was just a sheet of ice so we couldn't do anything until it thawed after noon. Anyway, I might be re-using socks tomorrow. I figure I smell bad enough at the end of the week what's a little more scent going to hurt?

Anyway, this test. I should really get on it. I managed to outline the chapters and start going over my notes. That's as far as I have gotten. Then I got distracted and put cookies in the oven and cleaned up my sick laundry/mud room and took a long bath. My house is -100 degrees. I found out today that I have a pretty good test average in class. I have mixed feelings about that. I appreciate not having to stress out over tests, although I am always sure the next one will be my demise. But, I don't want to be someone who is good in bookwork but can't keep it together drilling. Like, I'd love to help raise that ladder but I need to push my glasses up on my nose first 'cause it's hard to see without them and if I could just address my pocket guide for ladder protocol that would be best, do you have a sec? I am grateful I don't need to be worried about my test scores but hope I can reflect that same level of commitment in the practical stuff. We'll see.

I want to sleep so I am going to walk my dogs and then hit the books before hitting the hay. There's a lot of hitting going on around here. It's a pretty violent household. Suzy likes to hit Charlie with her tail and Charlie mostly lays around, he's the pacifist of the group.

Day 45 down

18 days left of academy. That is crazy to me. After this week we will be 3/4 of the way through. We got back to drilling today after almost two straight weeks of classroom. It was like getting back on a bike. And then losing control while going too fast down a wet road and ending up with a mouthful of dirt and tearing your favorite pants. I made so many mistakes that I thought I was beyond making. Nothing like a good solid humbling day on the drill yard to kick off the crunch time until finals. But, my time here was soldered in a pretty humiliating first day so maybe I'm just going back to my roots to get it right tomorrow. Not to make lemonade when it's snowing out but I think failing that physical exam my first day made me realize how fleeting this opportunity can be if I don't make every effort to prove I'm worthy of the job. It made me work hard out of the gate. Not that I wouldn't have anyway, but I don't know that I would have understood the consequences of relaxing. I think these two weeks in the classroom made me a rusty of course but also made me relax a little and I am thankful (I know, three days early) for the reminder that this job is mine to lose and how much I want it. I want all of us to make it. There's 13 of us, which is a bit daunting when you're as superstitious as me. But, it's day by day and, so far, we're all still here and I appreciate that.

While I'm on the topic...

I am thankful for my friends and family. I think it often, usually while missing the snot out of someone. But, being here has made me so aware of how crucial those close to me are. Molly came down and visited this past weekend and it was great to catch up and hang out over the course of a couple days. We took Charlie and Suzy to walk along the river and ended up driving out past Troutdale to Thousand Acres, which is just an extensive network of trails in the woods and fields. What I love about Oregon so far is how close the country is. Portland is really it as far as cities are concerned. It didn't rain and even though it was cold it was a great day for the walks. Charlie and Suzy cruised, per usual, but KC was on fire, galloping after every dog and family he could keep up with (which was pretty much all of them, tiny legs go!). I loved just getting out and walking. No counting reps or blowing snot rockets, just a nice walk. I forget how much I love those. Sorry about the meniscus, Molly. I'm making myself turn off NPR after the news is over and listen to music (thank you Dad for the speakers and Jackie for the great CDs). Now, it's really bedtime but I'm happy sitting here typing this, hoping for more snow even though it will be a special time on the drill ground tomorrow, and listening to good music. The house is cold, I should really bite the bullet and crank the heaters. But, Suzy has the couch to curl up on and Charlie is happy on whatever floor he plops on. I am thankful for those two. They keep me sane. They deserve whatever farm they get. I just hope I can get it for them before Charlie is just a fireside dog.

I'm thankful it's a short week and I'm looking forward to Veneta and Jackie's 17 gallons of eggnog. I think I'm just going to bathe in it when I get down there. From the looks of the pot it's in I think I could fit. I'm thankful I got into my truck this morning without breaking a window when I looked my keys in the car, with the engine running, when I needed to be leaving for work. I am thankful for the hot shower I am about to take. I am thankful for the almost 8 hours of sleep I will get tonight. I am thankful for the comedy I get to experience every day at work and all the firefighters who are training us. I screwed up tying off the ladder today and knew it when one of them told me to meet him at the top of the ladder. I climbed up, and stared down my clove hitch, hanging loose like a toddler's tooth. He showed me what I did wrong and I tied it right, twice to make sure I had it. Then he batted down my helmet shield when he turned around to leave the fire escape. We got lucky getting our trainers. They've seen a lot and we're reaping the benefits of their years and years of fires.

I'm thankful for every phone call I get, every letter in the mail, every shout out on Facebook. I got it good, even when I forget it.

windy, rainy, so full

Well, it's a typical Wednesday night at the Zimmerman/Canine household. I am wanting to barf because I came home starving (only ate two eggs on toast, a bagel with cream cheese, toast with bananas and peanut butter, lasagna and about six gallons of coffee mixed with hot chocolate, of course I was hungry) and proceeded to eat cottage cheese, a huge rice and bean and spinach burrito and then a bowl of ice cream. We have already been warned about getting fat when training is over and we continue to eat at the rate we currently eat. I believe it because this is what I ate on a day where all we did was PT for half hour this morning and then sat in the classroom all day, no drilling or anything. I've already been feeling my pants get tighter during the last two weeks of mostly classroom. It's hard to eat less though because you really put it away when you're active all day long. And that will start again next week. We begin the grind down to finals and will be out on the drill ground all day long probably until mid-December. That will be great as far as my waistline and mood. But, holy cow, it's supposed to be in the twenties next week so that could be interesting, especially if it snows. Climbing the fire escape could be interesting, especially with all the extra gear we now carry up it during out evolutions. But, like everything that stresses me out with this training I chose to not think about it until the time comes. So far that has worked (mostly) for my mental well-being. I don't think I can plan too far out in this job because everything is so unpredictable and I find that thinking makes me worry and worrying makes me suck. If I just take the hurdles as they arise I find myself much more clear-thinking and ready to clear them.

So, I am full from eating too much. And Suzy is staring at me. She has been outside for a couple short walks this week. It's been pouring and raining and nasty. And it's dark when I get home so I don't want to do anything. She has tonight and tomorrow to bottle up that energy and then we'll hopefully get it burned off over the weekend. I am also procrastinating on studying for our test tomorrow. I should not. But, I just want to get in the bath tub and crawl into my bed. Instead I need to bust out my notecards and get on that horse because our last two tests were tough and it's no time to relax. Getting down to 1/3 of the way through training. I can barely believe it.

meant to write more but this is what I got...

Here are the short jokes that I remember from the following two days... We learned how to do a 2-man ladder raise on a 35' ladder. At the department I volunteered at previously this was a 3-man evolution. Doing it with just two is definitely a more physical endeavor. The person on the beam of the ladder has to walk the ladder hand over hand into an upright position while the other person anchors the heel of the ladder. I think my crew members were probably nervous for me to go (I was too, not gonna lie) because I got a bunch of congratulations when I did it without the damn thing crashing down. You then extend the fly (the part of the ladder that goes up) by pulling on the halyard (rope). One of the trainers (a firefighter I have loads of respect for) asked me at lunch how the raise went. I told him it went well. He asked if we'd done the halyards. I said we had. He chuckled and said he'd figured I'd just be pulling myself to the top of the ladder instead of raising the fly. I asked him if that wasn't the point? I said it got me up the ladder faster that way. Short joke #1. Number two came at the end of the day when we were checking the brake rod travel on the drill engines. You get on a creeper and slide under the engine to measure the distance on the brake rod before and after the parking brakes are applied. One of the gals in my class asked me if I could just go ahead and walk under the engines and check them all real quick. The last short joke (that I can remember, they come as fast as I can deflect them) was today in our wildland class. We were practicing deploying our fire shelters (reason number 304 why I am not a wildland firefighter by the way). Just imagine a baked potato, wrapped in aluminum foil. This is a fire shelter, an expensive shake and bake container for a firefighter about to be run over by a wildfire. You shake it open and drop to the ground, pulling the edges in around you. Neat, right? When I popped out of mine they asked if I needed the junior size, if my legs could hook the edges down (they barely could and a good wind off a fire would rip that sucker right off me). Then, could I stand up in it? Of course I could. I was running laps inside of the damn thing, couldn't they tell?

round eleven...

Back in Portland. The trip home was bittersweet. It was great to see everyone and to know where I was without having to consult a map. But, it was a hard reminder that this endeavor is only just beginning and I have more than a few months left to keep my head down and work hard to earn this position. I'm excited for the idea of someday being able to go home for a week and really relax. I was a bit of a shithead this past week. Ask Jackie. I've been wound pretty tight since last weekend. I started thinking about UW Rugby and was really proud of their asskicking they gave Eastern WA. Then I started wishing I could have seen it. And it was bad news bears after that. I couldn't quite pull myself out of this pity party I've been throwing since then. And, for what? A sweet job that's not that far from home. I think it's just the stress of it all. But, I've been really testy because of it. Sullen, moody, snappy. Who wants to hang out?? I had a really good long talk with Miranda today on the phone and she helped me get some perspective. Now it's 9:13 and bedtime. Being a jerk really wipes me out. Got to get my beauty rest for my big day tomorrow. Day 40. If I invited you guys to the blog it's because I decided I want to write a bit more but I had to make it private so I don't risk anything by posting this online. So, there.

not so north now

So, I got a new job. I thought about starting a new blog since I feel like moving south defeats my blog title. But, I don't want to lose any more ties to this old place than I need to so I'm keeping the old blog and going from here. I'm bad at that anyway. I always want a clean slate, a new piece of paper, a new day, a do-over. And, now I got what I've been wishing for and suddenly I feel like the old wasn't so bad. Don't get me wrong, I am super appreciative of my opportunity, especially in this economic warzone we're all going through right now. Not everyone gets a true stab at their dream and I'm excited to take full advantage of this chance. But... I'm obviously a homebody. I've never been big into traveling. My dreams have all revolved around family, friends, and home. Three hours isn't all that much in the scheme of things, I'm told. But, it feels like the biggest sacrifice I could have made. I miss being able to go see my mom and dad in an hour or two. I miss my friends walking into my house unannounced or coming home to them already being there. I miss my old watering hole, discovering it last spring was not enough QT, even though we definitely logged some good hours there in just a few short months. I miss the smell of salt in the air and the sound of seagulls. I miss Mount Rainier, even though you only get to see it through the clouds every month or so. And never in the winter. I think the dark days and holidays away from home are probably getting to me a bit. But, I guess it's all a part of being a creature in this world. Gotta take the bad with the good. And there is a lot of good. I've just been a giant grump this past week so I am tending to focus a bit more on the former.

Anyway, I have a watering hole to visit before heading back home? tomorrow. I do love Seattle still.

11. Build Dad's boat kit.

accumulation of life goals

I still want to do most of the things I've wanted to do since childhood. It has not really changed, more just gets added to the list. I am currently putting off reading my EMT book and cleaning my bedroom so I thought I would write down some of the things that are bouncing around in my head lately. I guess this is sort of a bucket list. I think that's what I heard them called.

1. Fix my truck. I have always wanted to know about engines. Now I have a massive one that needs some TLC. Think it's a hint...
2. Become a firefighter. Please.
3. Learn how to surf. And, when not in So. Cal, learn how to ride a longboard.
4. Learn how to play the harmonica.
5. Read more classic Southern literature. And contemporary. Read that list that awesome librarian wrote for me.
6. Have a crazy prolific veggie garden.
7. Have my own farm.
8. Build my own house or restore an old one.
9. Trail ride Cleo.
10. Play rugby again.

That's pretty good for now.

Second Day of Spring. (2010)

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? ~ Jack Handy

Turning off italics is hard. It took me about ten minutes. I think it's annoying when people take pride in being against technology, or take pride in not being able to do simple things, like turn off blog italics, but, yet, I do it, often, comma comma. Not sure what brought me back to this damn thing. No, hang on, I do. I don't want to vacuum the carpet. And this seemed like a good way to procrastinate. Also, it feels a little like new beginnings, being spring and all. But first day of spring was soooo yesterday. It's old new today. There was a blue jay on the back fence this morning with a beakfull of straw and sticks, little bastard was stealing out of backyard like he had something more important to do with our sticks and straws. I really want him to take the dryer lint. But for some reason pokey things seem to make better nests than fluffy wonderful dryer lint. Whatever. Anyway, today was fairly glorious. I did a pretty good job of keeping it in check last night and not destroying myself for work today. That is helpful since it was ridiculously busy, with people running track and training for the Rock n Roll marathon and all. Sometimes you just want to give us, like the next person that walks in the door you want to lay down face first on the carpet and interlace your fingers behind your head. Take it. Take it all.

Digressing... digressing from literally nothing so maybe not a digression at all. I guess my point is today feels good. Even though I expected to be grumpy since I worked yesterday and today and tomorrow and it has been beautiful outside. But, I haven't minded. I think being hourly helps be appreciate my time at work a little more. Weird how that works. But I got home tonight and went outside with the dogs, on a walk around the neighborhood. The usual loop plus adding Phinney Ridge. I listened to a truly random mix of music off my itunes. I think I hate my taste in music. But it's like everything in my life, a collection of stuff since I was a kid and now I just have it piled up on my shuffle, to skip through looking for a good song like a nugget of gold in a dirty river. Maybe I should delete some songs. Like every spring, it feels like I am about to clean up my act, finally get rid of some of the junk I drag along with me from house to house, drop a few pounds, unload some emotional baggage, maybe finally sue the girl who owes me for Maddie, you know the usualy spring cleaning routine. Or, I could blog and vacuum the carpet and walk the dogs and let me laundry pile up because folding it sucks and continue to choose the radio over my itunes. I sort of like that option too. Because, when it comes down to it, the status quo is not too bad. The people are good (can I get an epic?). The job does the job. The broken truck could be worse. I love the dogs, the city, the weather. And now it's spring. Time to vacuum the carpet. Charlie should do Locks of Love. That blue jay would probably sign up for a donation.

Benjamin

B. Franklin had some decent thoughts about how to live life. His 13 virtues look like this:

1. Temperance. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.

I eat to dullness and drink to elevation on a daily basis. Shit.

2. Silence. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.

Work would be damn slow if I abided by this. And I don't know if Kaisa and I would be able to talk anymore, which would be sad.

3. Order. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have it time.

All my things do have their place. It just happens to be the floor of my bedroom or Molly's attic.

4. Resolution. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

I think I got this one in the bag.

5. Frugality. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.

Mmmm... next month. I'll learn this one when I go from salary to hourly.

6. Industry. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unncessary actions.

Is writing down Benjamin Franklin's 13 virtues unnecessary?... Maybe only if I post them on Facebook.

7. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

Shit.

8. Justice. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

So, rugby is out?

9. Moderation. Avoid extremes, forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

I can forgive, sometimes, if it wasn't so bad what they did.... And all my friends would say I am a person of great moderation. No, that's not true.

10. Cleanliness. Tolerate no clothes in body, clothes or habitation.

Does showering twice a day make up for wearing the same jeans for a week and living in a rat nest?

11. Tranquility. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common and avoidable.

I got this one too. Some of the time.

12. Chastity. Rarely use but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.

No, I got this one! Totally. I like how he uses "rarely", wasn't fully ready to commit on that one. And to weakness? Maybe I am just missing something here. Probably.

13. Humilty. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

Totally awesome people but both sentenced to death for their beliefs.

2010 is rolling

I guess time does just move faster as you get older. Sometimes it occurs to me that I am 26 and I can't believe it. It's not that I think 26 is old, but it is here fast and makes me wonder what's just around the corner. The day-to-day rolls by like a dotted yellow median. I spend most of my days the same. I cook some food, look at a couple crossfit websites to see what's what in the world of toolish fitness, drink way too much coffee, talk to my dogs like they're humans who just prefer to lounge on the carpet, feel frantic at work, workout and lay in my own sweat for a while, wish I was eating a bowl of ice cream or a plain donut with another unnecessary cup of coffee, always have my looming interview in the back of my mind until I crack open my notebook to study and allow that excitement and worry to rush to the forefront once more. This interview has me so eager and so nervous. I can't really think past it right now, as I shouldn't. But, it's definitely consuming my time, whether I am thinking about it or actually preparing for it. T minus 7 days until I get another crack at being a firefighter. Gotta keep the faith. I definitely don't believe in being passive in the face of hopes but, on the flip side, I have to be thankful for the way things have turned out for me so far. I have good friends, the red truck I always wanted, the dogs I knew I'd have one day, a consistent way to stay fit that I actually enjoy, being able to stay involved in rugby in a less job-threatening capacity than playing... I'm satisfied with where I am at. I can wait for the farm. Last year I started getting very disgruntled with my hopes of becoming a firefighter. I was one year into the testing process and seeing a lot of brake lights in the hiring processes. I went back to playing rugby that summer as a way to latch on to something that I love while feeling something I wanted badly pull away. But, with Burien's process and Seattle's continuation from their list gives me some hope. Portland, Bates, National Testing are all rolling around again. I won't rest easy until I've been hired and passed probation but it feels better than it did last year, more possible. This feels like the last piece of the puzzle for this part of my life. I know you never reach the horizon but this goal is so deeply set that it feels like I'm finally moving faster than it's moving away. But, we'll see how this next week goes first.