win'som, lose some

So, I got a compliment today at work. Unfortunately it was at the expense of one of my crew members. He screwed up a couple things that I fixed during the course of our evolution and ended up making me look like I probably had a better idea of what was going on than I actually did. I guess, to give myself some credit, I was really trying on that one. Not that I don't usually. But the past few weeks, since our midterms really, I've felt sort of off when we've been drilling. I felt pretty confident and pulled together for midterms. since then we've had some stuff thrown at us that's been pretty challenging for me. I can do it all and I know I'll get better at it as I get stronger and learn better techniques. I just sort of retreat into a place of insecurity when I feel like maybe I'm being selfish trying to become a firefighter. Maybe it's something I'm not meant for. I do want it, as much, if not more than ever. And I feel I can do it and be a positive contribution. But I get caught up in the drill ground world sometimes where I see this as the entire parameters of the job and feel like I am just scraping by some days. Anyway, today on our last evolution I watched the crew in front of us go and I saw the driver really mess it up. I actually had to stop watching her because I was nervous for our turn and I didn't want to get bad habits in my head. When our turn came I thought they might be watching the driver (me) extra hard since the last one was not so good. So I did my best. I talked loud and often and made sure I always looked before I did something to double check myself. It paid off because I was able to be confident when fixing some mistakes and I got told good job at the end of it all. I felt bad that the other guy didn't come off looking so good but every dog has its day and that five minutes was mine I guess. I did some boneheaded stuff earlier in the day to balance out the karma.

It wouldn't be a proper thought if it didn't include some remorse about my poor studying habits. I went to bed at 9pm last night and slept like crap. So I am tempted to try it again tonight (even though it's already past 9) and see if some Advil PM will kick me into a solid 7 hours of sleep. I have so much studying to do for our last test on Thursday but I keep pushing the boundaries as far as studying is concerned. I shouldn't. But, when you have pillows calling your name it's tough to say no after seven hours in the wind and rain on the drill ground. I think I'm calling it a night.

PS - I owe my dogs the most exciting rest of their lives after this ordeal is completed.

You've got to be kidding

Four days during academy feels like four years but a four day weekend feels like four minutes. This is the part where we go to the top of the roller coaster and get that really good view before feeling like we're plunging to our death at a million miles an hour. Ten days of practice before our practical finals. I think only seven days until our written final. Somehow I am much much less concerned with that then the practicals. They are heavily loaded I feel for this last section. And I think our instructors will be watching us much more closely, seeing as how we will have just completed almost FOUR MONTHS of training. Lord, you'd think we'd be competent. I will cross that bridge when it arrives in three weeks. In the meantime, I need to buckle down and get after the opportunities to learn what I can in the next two and a half weeks. Also, tomorrow 10-04 is being sworn in, meaning the class after us (10-03) is being welcomed to the beginning of their four months of academy. Get it 10-04. I can't believe we're at the other end now.

Thanksgiving weekend was good. I made Paula Dean's Caramel Apple Cheesecake half drunk on Wednesday night after coming home from the Wooden Chicken. That was good until I was fishing my CuisineArt spinny slicey thing out of a bunch of cream cheese filling and sliced my hand open. Don't worry, Jackie, I pulled my hand out quick and it was a nice clean cut so I didn't get any blood on the cheesecake. It was like watching a kid fall off a bike, a nice long pause until the tears/blood started flowing. And Thursday I was able to catch up with Grandma, Chris, Mom and Dad on the way down to Veneta. Thanksgiving was delicious, so much food for four people. And I have more than my fair share in my fridge now. Up was probably the best movie we could have watched on a belly full of Thanksgiving and eggnog. Friday was nice, even if the Ducks have yet lose a game. I guess they are earning that number one ranking after all since they are actually playing tough teams now. And I ate a Philly Cheesesteak for the first time, sorry Al. I can see why people like those. I think I managed to eat too much every day but today. It was nice not wanting to vomit immediately after eating. Saturday was a good day too. Went to Triangle Lake and watched Jackie fish for a bit for some Kokanee. Better luck next time. It was raining pretty hard and the dogs were running around the parking lot and the water like maniacs. Paisley brings out the puppy in Suzy sometimes. Or Satan, depending on Suzy's mood and what Paisley is doing to her. Charlie really really thought about getting in the water off the dock. He'd put one paw out above the water and pull it back like he was swimming. And then try the other paw. I didn't have the heart to push him in. Maybe if it was twenty degrees warmer or he was five years younger. It'd be like falling into water with a down parka on. I don't think he'd make the swim to shore with his locks of love. Anyway, we warmed up at Crazy Al's, which ended up being a pretty neat bar. The gal put on the second half of the Husky game and I got towatch them beat Cal for the second year in a row. If I wasn't already warm from a couple beers that sure did warm my heart. We promptly cooled off, choosing to take advantage of the sunshine to walk the railroads tracks in a new direction. Right about when we turned around the skies opened up and the rain came down. Neither of us had on rain jackets, being true northwesterners. The plan was to put on sweats and watch a great game between Stanford and OSU but the TV kept cutting out and that was for the best because the Beavs had their worst loss of the season. Stanford shouldn't be able to be great academically and athletically. That is greedy. More drinking and lots of sleeping capped off the weekend.

Today I drove back to Portland up Highway 99 rather than braving post-Thanksgiving I-5 traffic. It didn't take much longer since I drive 55 on I5 anyway. And it was amazing. Monmouth, Amity, McMinnville, Newberg all had up wreaths for Christmas on their streetposts. The country was way more open than the drive yesterday out to Triangle Lake. That was beautiful but the ceiling felt so low and the hills looked like they had mange with all the moss and logging. This was much more agricultural, open pastures and I guess wineries but I didn't see many off the highway. I could definitely see myself moving out that way when I get some money saved up for a place. I imagine it even rains less out there since the land is technically fit for grapes. I'd eager to do some more exploring as time allows.
Now, I'm home and ready to hit the hay and start off the week tomorrow at 5am. I'm feeling a little under the weather from being so cold last week (I am literally hugging a space heater with my knees as I type this) and probably having too much to eat and drink this weekend. I got some of the yard raked up with the last hour of daylight tonight. And I put a wreath on my door, forgoing the one of my truck grill this year so I don't look like a toolshed at work. My house is clean and ready to go for round 13 tomorrow. Fifteen more days at TAC and then 28 days on the two rotations at 2s. 71 more days and 7 more months of the tough part of training. If getting fired wasn't so easy that might seem like a big step. I'll take tomorrow as it's own day and go from there.

I'm excited to go to sleep.

tiredddd

Almost 9pm. I have another test I am procrastinating studying for. I feel very tired. Charlie is itching himself, still. He needs another flea bath but I feel like he will turn into an icicle in my house if I give him one now. And Suzy is having her butt for dessert. Sick. I love these dogs but they are so nasty sometimes. Not that I am one to talk. I am managing to not do laundry this week because it's so damn cold I haven't sweat much since work has been sort of like being snowed in at school, minus the snow. The yard was just a sheet of ice so we couldn't do anything until it thawed after noon. Anyway, I might be re-using socks tomorrow. I figure I smell bad enough at the end of the week what's a little more scent going to hurt?

Anyway, this test. I should really get on it. I managed to outline the chapters and start going over my notes. That's as far as I have gotten. Then I got distracted and put cookies in the oven and cleaned up my sick laundry/mud room and took a long bath. My house is -100 degrees. I found out today that I have a pretty good test average in class. I have mixed feelings about that. I appreciate not having to stress out over tests, although I am always sure the next one will be my demise. But, I don't want to be someone who is good in bookwork but can't keep it together drilling. Like, I'd love to help raise that ladder but I need to push my glasses up on my nose first 'cause it's hard to see without them and if I could just address my pocket guide for ladder protocol that would be best, do you have a sec? I am grateful I don't need to be worried about my test scores but hope I can reflect that same level of commitment in the practical stuff. We'll see.

I want to sleep so I am going to walk my dogs and then hit the books before hitting the hay. There's a lot of hitting going on around here. It's a pretty violent household. Suzy likes to hit Charlie with her tail and Charlie mostly lays around, he's the pacifist of the group.

Day 45 down

18 days left of academy. That is crazy to me. After this week we will be 3/4 of the way through. We got back to drilling today after almost two straight weeks of classroom. It was like getting back on a bike. And then losing control while going too fast down a wet road and ending up with a mouthful of dirt and tearing your favorite pants. I made so many mistakes that I thought I was beyond making. Nothing like a good solid humbling day on the drill yard to kick off the crunch time until finals. But, my time here was soldered in a pretty humiliating first day so maybe I'm just going back to my roots to get it right tomorrow. Not to make lemonade when it's snowing out but I think failing that physical exam my first day made me realize how fleeting this opportunity can be if I don't make every effort to prove I'm worthy of the job. It made me work hard out of the gate. Not that I wouldn't have anyway, but I don't know that I would have understood the consequences of relaxing. I think these two weeks in the classroom made me a rusty of course but also made me relax a little and I am thankful (I know, three days early) for the reminder that this job is mine to lose and how much I want it. I want all of us to make it. There's 13 of us, which is a bit daunting when you're as superstitious as me. But, it's day by day and, so far, we're all still here and I appreciate that.

While I'm on the topic...

I am thankful for my friends and family. I think it often, usually while missing the snot out of someone. But, being here has made me so aware of how crucial those close to me are. Molly came down and visited this past weekend and it was great to catch up and hang out over the course of a couple days. We took Charlie and Suzy to walk along the river and ended up driving out past Troutdale to Thousand Acres, which is just an extensive network of trails in the woods and fields. What I love about Oregon so far is how close the country is. Portland is really it as far as cities are concerned. It didn't rain and even though it was cold it was a great day for the walks. Charlie and Suzy cruised, per usual, but KC was on fire, galloping after every dog and family he could keep up with (which was pretty much all of them, tiny legs go!). I loved just getting out and walking. No counting reps or blowing snot rockets, just a nice walk. I forget how much I love those. Sorry about the meniscus, Molly. I'm making myself turn off NPR after the news is over and listen to music (thank you Dad for the speakers and Jackie for the great CDs). Now, it's really bedtime but I'm happy sitting here typing this, hoping for more snow even though it will be a special time on the drill ground tomorrow, and listening to good music. The house is cold, I should really bite the bullet and crank the heaters. But, Suzy has the couch to curl up on and Charlie is happy on whatever floor he plops on. I am thankful for those two. They keep me sane. They deserve whatever farm they get. I just hope I can get it for them before Charlie is just a fireside dog.

I'm thankful it's a short week and I'm looking forward to Veneta and Jackie's 17 gallons of eggnog. I think I'm just going to bathe in it when I get down there. From the looks of the pot it's in I think I could fit. I'm thankful I got into my truck this morning without breaking a window when I looked my keys in the car, with the engine running, when I needed to be leaving for work. I am thankful for the hot shower I am about to take. I am thankful for the almost 8 hours of sleep I will get tonight. I am thankful for the comedy I get to experience every day at work and all the firefighters who are training us. I screwed up tying off the ladder today and knew it when one of them told me to meet him at the top of the ladder. I climbed up, and stared down my clove hitch, hanging loose like a toddler's tooth. He showed me what I did wrong and I tied it right, twice to make sure I had it. Then he batted down my helmet shield when he turned around to leave the fire escape. We got lucky getting our trainers. They've seen a lot and we're reaping the benefits of their years and years of fires.

I'm thankful for every phone call I get, every letter in the mail, every shout out on Facebook. I got it good, even when I forget it.

windy, rainy, so full

Well, it's a typical Wednesday night at the Zimmerman/Canine household. I am wanting to barf because I came home starving (only ate two eggs on toast, a bagel with cream cheese, toast with bananas and peanut butter, lasagna and about six gallons of coffee mixed with hot chocolate, of course I was hungry) and proceeded to eat cottage cheese, a huge rice and bean and spinach burrito and then a bowl of ice cream. We have already been warned about getting fat when training is over and we continue to eat at the rate we currently eat. I believe it because this is what I ate on a day where all we did was PT for half hour this morning and then sat in the classroom all day, no drilling or anything. I've already been feeling my pants get tighter during the last two weeks of mostly classroom. It's hard to eat less though because you really put it away when you're active all day long. And that will start again next week. We begin the grind down to finals and will be out on the drill ground all day long probably until mid-December. That will be great as far as my waistline and mood. But, holy cow, it's supposed to be in the twenties next week so that could be interesting, especially if it snows. Climbing the fire escape could be interesting, especially with all the extra gear we now carry up it during out evolutions. But, like everything that stresses me out with this training I chose to not think about it until the time comes. So far that has worked (mostly) for my mental well-being. I don't think I can plan too far out in this job because everything is so unpredictable and I find that thinking makes me worry and worrying makes me suck. If I just take the hurdles as they arise I find myself much more clear-thinking and ready to clear them.

So, I am full from eating too much. And Suzy is staring at me. She has been outside for a couple short walks this week. It's been pouring and raining and nasty. And it's dark when I get home so I don't want to do anything. She has tonight and tomorrow to bottle up that energy and then we'll hopefully get it burned off over the weekend. I am also procrastinating on studying for our test tomorrow. I should not. But, I just want to get in the bath tub and crawl into my bed. Instead I need to bust out my notecards and get on that horse because our last two tests were tough and it's no time to relax. Getting down to 1/3 of the way through training. I can barely believe it.

meant to write more but this is what I got...

Here are the short jokes that I remember from the following two days... We learned how to do a 2-man ladder raise on a 35' ladder. At the department I volunteered at previously this was a 3-man evolution. Doing it with just two is definitely a more physical endeavor. The person on the beam of the ladder has to walk the ladder hand over hand into an upright position while the other person anchors the heel of the ladder. I think my crew members were probably nervous for me to go (I was too, not gonna lie) because I got a bunch of congratulations when I did it without the damn thing crashing down. You then extend the fly (the part of the ladder that goes up) by pulling on the halyard (rope). One of the trainers (a firefighter I have loads of respect for) asked me at lunch how the raise went. I told him it went well. He asked if we'd done the halyards. I said we had. He chuckled and said he'd figured I'd just be pulling myself to the top of the ladder instead of raising the fly. I asked him if that wasn't the point? I said it got me up the ladder faster that way. Short joke #1. Number two came at the end of the day when we were checking the brake rod travel on the drill engines. You get on a creeper and slide under the engine to measure the distance on the brake rod before and after the parking brakes are applied. One of the gals in my class asked me if I could just go ahead and walk under the engines and check them all real quick. The last short joke (that I can remember, they come as fast as I can deflect them) was today in our wildland class. We were practicing deploying our fire shelters (reason number 304 why I am not a wildland firefighter by the way). Just imagine a baked potato, wrapped in aluminum foil. This is a fire shelter, an expensive shake and bake container for a firefighter about to be run over by a wildfire. You shake it open and drop to the ground, pulling the edges in around you. Neat, right? When I popped out of mine they asked if I needed the junior size, if my legs could hook the edges down (they barely could and a good wind off a fire would rip that sucker right off me). Then, could I stand up in it? Of course I could. I was running laps inside of the damn thing, couldn't they tell?

round eleven...

Back in Portland. The trip home was bittersweet. It was great to see everyone and to know where I was without having to consult a map. But, it was a hard reminder that this endeavor is only just beginning and I have more than a few months left to keep my head down and work hard to earn this position. I'm excited for the idea of someday being able to go home for a week and really relax. I was a bit of a shithead this past week. Ask Jackie. I've been wound pretty tight since last weekend. I started thinking about UW Rugby and was really proud of their asskicking they gave Eastern WA. Then I started wishing I could have seen it. And it was bad news bears after that. I couldn't quite pull myself out of this pity party I've been throwing since then. And, for what? A sweet job that's not that far from home. I think it's just the stress of it all. But, I've been really testy because of it. Sullen, moody, snappy. Who wants to hang out?? I had a really good long talk with Miranda today on the phone and she helped me get some perspective. Now it's 9:13 and bedtime. Being a jerk really wipes me out. Got to get my beauty rest for my big day tomorrow. Day 40. If I invited you guys to the blog it's because I decided I want to write a bit more but I had to make it private so I don't risk anything by posting this online. So, there.

not so north now

So, I got a new job. I thought about starting a new blog since I feel like moving south defeats my blog title. But, I don't want to lose any more ties to this old place than I need to so I'm keeping the old blog and going from here. I'm bad at that anyway. I always want a clean slate, a new piece of paper, a new day, a do-over. And, now I got what I've been wishing for and suddenly I feel like the old wasn't so bad. Don't get me wrong, I am super appreciative of my opportunity, especially in this economic warzone we're all going through right now. Not everyone gets a true stab at their dream and I'm excited to take full advantage of this chance. But... I'm obviously a homebody. I've never been big into traveling. My dreams have all revolved around family, friends, and home. Three hours isn't all that much in the scheme of things, I'm told. But, it feels like the biggest sacrifice I could have made. I miss being able to go see my mom and dad in an hour or two. I miss my friends walking into my house unannounced or coming home to them already being there. I miss my old watering hole, discovering it last spring was not enough QT, even though we definitely logged some good hours there in just a few short months. I miss the smell of salt in the air and the sound of seagulls. I miss Mount Rainier, even though you only get to see it through the clouds every month or so. And never in the winter. I think the dark days and holidays away from home are probably getting to me a bit. But, I guess it's all a part of being a creature in this world. Gotta take the bad with the good. And there is a lot of good. I've just been a giant grump this past week so I am tending to focus a bit more on the former.

Anyway, I have a watering hole to visit before heading back home? tomorrow. I do love Seattle still.