So, I got a compliment today at work. Unfortunately it was at the expense of one of my crew members. He screwed up a couple things that I fixed during the course of our evolution and ended up making me look like I probably had a better idea of what was going on than I actually did. I guess, to give myself some credit, I was really trying on that one. Not that I don't usually. But the past few weeks, since our midterms really, I've felt sort of off when we've been drilling. I felt pretty confident and pulled together for midterms. since then we've had some stuff thrown at us that's been pretty challenging for me. I can do it all and I know I'll get better at it as I get stronger and learn better techniques. I just sort of retreat into a place of insecurity when I feel like maybe I'm being selfish trying to become a firefighter. Maybe it's something I'm not meant for. I do want it, as much, if not more than ever. And I feel I can do it and be a positive contribution. But I get caught up in the drill ground world sometimes where I see this as the entire parameters of the job and feel like I am just scraping by some days. Anyway, today on our last evolution I watched the crew in front of us go and I saw the driver really mess it up. I actually had to stop watching her because I was nervous for our turn and I didn't want to get bad habits in my head. When our turn came I thought they might be watching the driver (me) extra hard since the last one was not so good. So I did my best. I talked loud and often and made sure I always looked before I did something to double check myself. It paid off because I was able to be confident when fixing some mistakes and I got told good job at the end of it all. I felt bad that the other guy didn't come off looking so good but every dog has its day and that five minutes was mine I guess. I did some boneheaded stuff earlier in the day to balance out the karma.
It wouldn't be a proper thought if it didn't include some remorse about my poor studying habits. I went to bed at 9pm last night and slept like crap. So I am tempted to try it again tonight (even though it's already past 9) and see if some Advil PM will kick me into a solid 7 hours of sleep. I have so much studying to do for our last test on Thursday but I keep pushing the boundaries as far as studying is concerned. I shouldn't. But, when you have pillows calling your name it's tough to say no after seven hours in the wind and rain on the drill ground. I think I'm calling it a night.
PS - I owe my dogs the most exciting rest of their lives after this ordeal is completed.
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