Turning a Corner

Well, it's been a rough patch. I was/am pretty stressed about work. I think I will always feel like I am hanging by a thread until I am not on probation any longer. I don't think it would be good to feel comfortable because then maybe I'm missing something. But, being in a constant state of worry is a bit taxing on the mind and body. I do feel a little better than I did the last time I wrote in here. I had some good conversations with mom and dad and came to some new realizations. I always function better when I am excited by something. Of course I am excited about this job. I mean, it's all I have wanted for the past 8 years. But, now that I'm working towards this it's tough to get excited for probation to be over because that seems so tentative on the next forty five shifts going relatively well. That is something in my control but we never know what the day will bring and having nine good shifts behind me does not mean that the next four months will be cake by any means. So, I can't let myself start day dreaming about June, at least not yet.

I am day dreaming about a couple big purchases though. I realized that I will be loads happier if I feel like I can get home to see the family or get down and see Jackie without tooling down the freeway at 55mph, worrying about all the wear on my truck. So, starting to look for a more fuel efficient car. The truck is not going anywhere. I just want to be able to park her for a little bit and tend to some preventative maintenance before running her into the ground. And I would be so excited to go 70 on the freeway, in a fifth gear. So there is that. There is also the prospect of maybe purchasing a house down here. That's been dream number one since I was a kiddo. Living in a house on the border of Portland and Gresham has some ups (like being 10 minutes to work). But, I am not a city person. I want chickens. I want the dogs to have more turf than a sheet-covered couch. They have been their time in these past few months and deserve to run. Charlie would mark every corner of the property every day and love every minute. I want to walk down abandoned railroad tracks to unwind. I want stars at night (those rare nights without cloud cover). I want a shop to park my truck in. I want a woodstove and a stack of firewood. I want bonfires and horse pastures. I know I'm getting a little greedy here but it's not a bad time to buy if you get the right lender. The realization that owning is not much more costly than renting is some big motivation to take the plunge. I'm not in a rush but, like mom says, half the fun is in the hunt.