A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.
~ Lao Tzu (whoever that is)
~ Lao Tzu (whoever that is)
So, if you know me at all this will be a radical departure from my normal mode of operation. But, I'm going to try to give up goals and plans. I think it's fair to say that I'm a driven individual. I tend to get an idea of what I want and I run with it, run until my feet are bloody and lungs are ragged. It's not as noble as it sounds - it's more like that dog that keeps dropping the tennis ball at your feet, drooling and staring and breathing as fast a hummingbird until you throw the ball just to get a few seconds of peace before it smacks down again at your feet, warm wet and sticky. But, just like the ball always comes back, I'm 28 years old and have the job of my dreams, 5 acres, two dogs and even an old red pickup. It's just as I'd imagined it'd play out. Except for the part about being 300 miles from where I grew up and stockpiled all my life's history. That was a curveball. So, now I'm left with this question, what's the point of goals if us control freaks can't even affect the exact outcome we want because we can't anticipate all of the variables? Maybe planning and goal-setting are as big of time wasters as the Internet and TV. I know for me they sure do suck a lot time. It's actually a bit of a stress-coping mechanism for me. Planning is the alternative to cracking open a beer. In either scenario after enough listing or beer drinking I've ceased to care about my problems, either because I've deluded myself into thinking they're solved or I've inebriated myself to the point of not caring that they exist. The idea of letting go of these vices (I'm gonna get on that limb and give them that designation) is that, like any bad habit, it makes you feel good on some level even if it's destroying your mind or body on another. The idea of following that yellow brick road, even if I don't know where it's going, is much safer than venturing into that freaky apple orchard with the witch. But maybe the witch just got a bad rap and how'd you ever know she's actually a great person unless you made the time for an afternoon chat over some autumn apples?
I'm thinking that this could be a disastrous path and I might still be drooling and starting but this time at the TV at 2pm with a bib of brownie crumbs on my chest. But, at the ol' homestead there's always a project to do, a dog to be walked, a meal to be cooked or a book to be read. I think I can keep busy without it being step in the march toward a greater plan.
The reason I don't want these plans is because I truly don't know what I want anymore. I have the job. I have the relationship. I have the house. I just didn't quite see it all unfolding this way and am left holding my to-do lists like they're a 2007 interest-only mortgage. I'm tempted to plan my way right back to the Puget Sound and put this whole debacle in my rearview. But, then I run the risk of fleeing something I don't understand and making that classic mistake of blaming the environment when I'm the true problem. Which is not to say I don't wish I was home right this very second. I do, almost every minute of every day. I miss the smells, the breeze, the mountains, the water, my family and friends. So much. But, I'm here now and even if there's no greater reason for it - it's the reality and I might as well do my best to immerse myself in this time, this place and see what it has to contribute to me and what I have to contribute to it. I certainly hope, at this time, that my path eventually plops me back where I believe I belong: close to family and in familiar territory. But, in the meantime, I stress and fret over the mundane and day-t0-day in such a manner that I'm going to be grey by December and mute and wild-eyed by next October.
Yesterday I had a bit of a break down. I don't need to go into details because they're embarrassing, even for an invite-only blog, but I hit a bottom I didn't know was so shallow. The tipping point was probably Saturday's work. There were messy calls and sad calls and when the social dust settled and I'd finished spending time with friends for the bulk of my two days off, I slipped into such concentrated sadness I didn't even know how to be in my body while feeling the way I felt. It was a feeling I'd felt once before as a teenager and hoped never to feel again. The weight of the last day on work had just been sitting on me like a gargoyle and as soon as I was alone long enough for it to sense helplessness it just pounced. And it made me realize that attempting to be good at what I do in a vacuum is not going to work out. That's all I know right now. I know that socially, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, I need foundations to settle into on days like Sunday or yesterday. I need some push-back so I don't just sink into the muck.
Again, I don't know where I'll end up but I'm going to turn the reins over to a better horseman than me. I'm going to try my best to live each day. I'm going to work when I'm at work and play, learn and rest on my days off. But, I don't know any more detail than that. I put a lot of stock in gut feelings so I'll be following my gut rather than my heart when the time for decision comes. It's larger and easier to see anyhow so I'm less likely to get lost in pursuit.
I'm thinking that this could be a disastrous path and I might still be drooling and starting but this time at the TV at 2pm with a bib of brownie crumbs on my chest. But, at the ol' homestead there's always a project to do, a dog to be walked, a meal to be cooked or a book to be read. I think I can keep busy without it being step in the march toward a greater plan.
The reason I don't want these plans is because I truly don't know what I want anymore. I have the job. I have the relationship. I have the house. I just didn't quite see it all unfolding this way and am left holding my to-do lists like they're a 2007 interest-only mortgage. I'm tempted to plan my way right back to the Puget Sound and put this whole debacle in my rearview. But, then I run the risk of fleeing something I don't understand and making that classic mistake of blaming the environment when I'm the true problem. Which is not to say I don't wish I was home right this very second. I do, almost every minute of every day. I miss the smells, the breeze, the mountains, the water, my family and friends. So much. But, I'm here now and even if there's no greater reason for it - it's the reality and I might as well do my best to immerse myself in this time, this place and see what it has to contribute to me and what I have to contribute to it. I certainly hope, at this time, that my path eventually plops me back where I believe I belong: close to family and in familiar territory. But, in the meantime, I stress and fret over the mundane and day-t0-day in such a manner that I'm going to be grey by December and mute and wild-eyed by next October.
Yesterday I had a bit of a break down. I don't need to go into details because they're embarrassing, even for an invite-only blog, but I hit a bottom I didn't know was so shallow. The tipping point was probably Saturday's work. There were messy calls and sad calls and when the social dust settled and I'd finished spending time with friends for the bulk of my two days off, I slipped into such concentrated sadness I didn't even know how to be in my body while feeling the way I felt. It was a feeling I'd felt once before as a teenager and hoped never to feel again. The weight of the last day on work had just been sitting on me like a gargoyle and as soon as I was alone long enough for it to sense helplessness it just pounced. And it made me realize that attempting to be good at what I do in a vacuum is not going to work out. That's all I know right now. I know that socially, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, I need foundations to settle into on days like Sunday or yesterday. I need some push-back so I don't just sink into the muck.
Again, I don't know where I'll end up but I'm going to turn the reins over to a better horseman than me. I'm going to try my best to live each day. I'm going to work when I'm at work and play, learn and rest on my days off. But, I don't know any more detail than that. I put a lot of stock in gut feelings so I'll be following my gut rather than my heart when the time for decision comes. It's larger and easier to see anyhow so I'm less likely to get lost in pursuit.
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