Turning a Corner

Well, it's been a rough patch. I was/am pretty stressed about work. I think I will always feel like I am hanging by a thread until I am not on probation any longer. I don't think it would be good to feel comfortable because then maybe I'm missing something. But, being in a constant state of worry is a bit taxing on the mind and body. I do feel a little better than I did the last time I wrote in here. I had some good conversations with mom and dad and came to some new realizations. I always function better when I am excited by something. Of course I am excited about this job. I mean, it's all I have wanted for the past 8 years. But, now that I'm working towards this it's tough to get excited for probation to be over because that seems so tentative on the next forty five shifts going relatively well. That is something in my control but we never know what the day will bring and having nine good shifts behind me does not mean that the next four months will be cake by any means. So, I can't let myself start day dreaming about June, at least not yet.

I am day dreaming about a couple big purchases though. I realized that I will be loads happier if I feel like I can get home to see the family or get down and see Jackie without tooling down the freeway at 55mph, worrying about all the wear on my truck. So, starting to look for a more fuel efficient car. The truck is not going anywhere. I just want to be able to park her for a little bit and tend to some preventative maintenance before running her into the ground. And I would be so excited to go 70 on the freeway, in a fifth gear. So there is that. There is also the prospect of maybe purchasing a house down here. That's been dream number one since I was a kiddo. Living in a house on the border of Portland and Gresham has some ups (like being 10 minutes to work). But, I am not a city person. I want chickens. I want the dogs to have more turf than a sheet-covered couch. They have been their time in these past few months and deserve to run. Charlie would mark every corner of the property every day and love every minute. I want to walk down abandoned railroad tracks to unwind. I want stars at night (those rare nights without cloud cover). I want a shop to park my truck in. I want a woodstove and a stack of firewood. I want bonfires and horse pastures. I know I'm getting a little greedy here but it's not a bad time to buy if you get the right lender. The realization that owning is not much more costly than renting is some big motivation to take the plunge. I'm not in a rush but, like mom says, half the fun is in the hunt.

Man, it's been a rough couple of days. Seriously. This whole living alone this is not working well for me. I don't like the isolation. I look forward to my two days off and then I just mope around my house in pajamas. I'm not even sure if I brushed my teeth today. I will say yes, just because this is public. I counted and I have 145 days until training is over and 35 of those are days I work. It sounds like a really sweet ratio right? Well, when the other 110 days are spent studying your brains out, or feeling guilty for not studying your brains out, it's not as relaxing as it sounds. I am going to do my best to be more of a person. I need to get out more. Although, there is a large part of me that is dying for the country. I want to be able to walk out my front door and hit up some railroad tracks with the dogs. I want to be able to throw them outside and not care about them being in the street, especially right now because my house suddenly smells like rotten eggs. I think it would be worth getting up an hour earlier (4am!) to drive 45 minutes or an hour to work instead of the 10 minute commute I have from here. I could say a bit more on this topic but I'm worried I might OD on self-pity if I keep writing. There's been quite a bit these couple of days.

let me count the ways

I have spent the last five months feeling lonely in as many ways as Eskimos describe snow. There is voyeur loneliness where I feel social just being in the checkout line of a grocery store. There is dirty house slippers loneliness where I feel embarrassed to pull up the shades of the house in case someone catches a glimpse of me from the street. There’s cry in your beer loneliness (where I am at tonight). There is confident loneliness like earlier when I was running the dogs in 57 degree grey at the park. There is good radio loneliness when I am driving back home from somewhere I’d rather be. There is holiday decorations loneliness where I pretend to be a part of Thanksgiving, Christmas, fall or winter. There is talk to the dogs loneliness, generally enjoyed best while sweeping, and also close kin to thousandth time you’ve cleaned the house and no one sees it but you loneliness. There is Qwest loneliness, not dissimilar from voyeur loneliness, where I talk to Qwest customer service about my, and their, personal lives much longer than we discuss phone service. There is pace the house loneliness that seems to occur every evening before work. There is online loneliness where I look for other places to be or ways to get other places than here. There is movie loneliness that is never distracting enough. It’s a pity party on 157th tonight. Anyone is invited.

2011 thus far

Man, I talked to Jackie a long time today about what I feel like right now at this juncture in training. Like I told her, it’s tough because everything feels hard now. I love what I am doing. I like learning how tools work. I like learning strategy on putting out fires. I like learning how to use different pieces of equipment. I loved learning forcible entry techniques. I like the discipline and intensity of training. But, I don’t feel like it leaves any room for anything else in my life. I feel like I am in the worst shape I have been in in the last two years, weaker and less cardiovascularly fit than I have been since before I started Crossfit. I feel like I eat pretty crappy because it’s tough to set aside a chunk of time to cook good food and I fall into the trap of sugar and salt as a comfort for stress. I don’t talk to my sister EVER and I miss the hell out of her. I barely talk to my folks and I miss them so much. I haven’t gone this long with so little contact with my family in my whole life. I hate not being a part of the day to day with my friends back home. I have to ask about what jokes mean because I wasn’t there for their inception so I don’t get it. I miss shooting the breeze over a beer in the backyard, or in the kitchen or at the dining room table on these cold winter days. I saw such a pretty side of Oregon yesterday and it made me realize I could be here in thirty years and it could feel like home. But, lacking all those important people makes the beauty of this place ring hollow. If I could have my way I’d drag every last one of them here and have them along this crazy journey. But, like I said, there’s not room for fire and the rest of my life right now. It’s a sad mixed blessing to have this lonesome house and undiscovered city to my self right now. I really do need to focus on this job and proving to every single firefighter I encounter that I am worthy firefighter and I can do this job. On the seventeenth I will be halfway through the intense training part. It won’t be downhill but it will be an exciting landmark. I will celebrate my doing something good in this community because it will also be Martin Luther King Day and that’s a good day to give back. I have to remember that this job is all about doing for others, it really is. But it feels all about me right now. Like I tried to climb a hill that is too steep and doesn’t have a lot of hand or footholds and I’m clinging to the hillside, able to see the top but wondering how the eff I get there but not wanting to slide back down to the bottom.

Enough of that. Two other thoughts. One, working the 31st was good. The two best things about the day were working on forcible entry. I am not the largest person. And I feel like I have gotten weaker with this stupid carpal tunnel, too much December food, and not enough initiative to keep up my fitness from TAC. Having said that, working on forcible entry was awesome because it is important to be strong but it’s also important to know how to use the tools and seeing the difference between no technique and good technique is really awesome. I look forward to doing even more of that. Also, we got to go to a fire. It was already out when we got there. It was probably a pity dispatch to get the new guys some experience. But, it was great to see what an apartment fire looks like when it’s out and see what sort of damage occurs. We did overhaul, which was hard work, shoveling soggy insulation and burned clothes. It was so awesome just being there though and working up a sweat. I look forward to the fire we one day get where we’re first in and on fire attack. Still not a full night of sleep. Spent the 1am hour wandering down a hotel hallway to the godawful screech of a fire alarm that would not shut up. That’s a brutal intermission to sleep. It was weird to walk into the lobby and see all the half awake guests in their pajamas and be part of the crew there to solve the problem. (or watch other people solve it and try to learn from what they were doing so one day I can help shut off a damn fire alarm so hotel people can get back to sleep).

Last thing. It’s the new year. Yes it is. I looked at my cell phone before going to bed on Friday and thought Happy New Year to myself. But, having said that, I am trying to get back into shape so I can get after those ladders and power tools when I get to move to the truck in a few months. I worked out today and really felt like a fat ass. Simple hill sprints and a 20 minute Crossfit workout kicked my butt. I was doing box jumps like I just learned how and being very liberal with my breaks. But, I didn’t stop early, even though I was really looking for a good reason to stop halfway through. I also just pulled all the crappy food out of my kitchen cupboards and hid it in the pantry. Hoping that I can get back on that horse as well. Me and the rest of this country. At least until February, which should be nation relapse into bad habits month.